By John Poultice, The World's only polling analyst

We asked “In the unlikely event that Scotlandshire separates in 2016, which current power would you most like to see retained by Westminster?”

This was, of course, a trick question. Although THAT poll raised the horrible spectre that voters in Scotlandshire might be tricked into voting for separation, London would still call the shots.

No further proof is needed than that after Cameron was gubbed over war in the UK Parliament, he then forced Obama to submit to the same humiliation.There is, and never will be, any escape from London control.

Options 6-8 in the list - Powers over welfare spending & pensions; foreign affairs and immigration; and over interest rates and monetary policy – received only 0.2% support each. 

Options 5 (Power over defence of the realm); 4 (Power to disband the Scottish parliament at will); and 3 (Power to retain half of Scotlandshire for shooting things) attracted a miserable 1%, 2% and 3% respectively.

I had prepared a detailed analysis of the reasons for this. However, my secretary pointed out that a more realistic explanation was that BBC Scotlandshire readers were unlikely to be able to read so far down a list.

This brilliant insight was the genesis of my new academic research article “Optimum number of options allowable when asking native populations for their opinions” (for which I received a very generous grant from the Scottish Select Committee for Pissing Off Likely Layabouts In Nearby Ghettos). In gratitude, I have sent my secretary to the Chairchoob of that Committee for reclininear purposes.

While received wisdom has hitherto been that 3 options are most appropriate – “Agree”, “Disagree”, “Couldnae gie a fuck” – my analysis challenges that view. Based on responses to this poll where only 5% voted for option 2 (Power to crush rebellious Scots & confound their politics), the optimum number of possible responses to a question is determined to be one, but with variations that allow for "genuine" choice.

Indeed once the Chairchoob has completed his exploration of my secretary’s innermost secrets, he has promised to present a loose motion to the House [1], which will result in Parliament exercising its sovereignty and rewriting the referendum question, to my design, which will secure a massive Yes vote.

BBC Scotlandshire editor, Johnny Bossyman, has agreed to trial the new question (in return for a "wee shottie" with my secretary) with the mugs readers, and it appears today as our new poll.

As for this poll? Well, what did you expect? 88% of you advocated that the UK Parliament should retain the power to “stick their Trident missiles up the fucking arses” of any Scotch git who complained. You didn’t know that was what you were voting for? Tough!

[1] Historical note

This quaint, if malodorous, custom dates from 1603 when James I became a real king after having been awarded a band VI in the “Moderne Apprenticeshippe for Kinges” in Scotlandshire. When various Scotch hangers-on came with him, all the chairs were already taken, so the Scotch had to use stools. Ever since, any Scotch person occupying a “Chair” in London is given the honorific title “Bearer of the King’s Stool”.

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