By Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

“These people simply aren’t credible”, says Willie Rennie

Unionist parties have come together to trash the way opinion surveys are conducted after a newspaper reported that separation was – ahahahahaha! – ahead! In the polls!

The Scotlandshire Sun, a secretive separatist rag hidden behind a paywall and owned by a kangaroo-eating auld fool, printed what it said was a Panelbase poll revealing the Yes vote on 44% with No behind on 43%.

Panelbase have already been deemed “a piece o’ shite” by some for their decision to conduct a poll on behalf of an obscure 80s pop star using money stolen from the general public.

It emerged earlier today that the poll was conducted on behalf of the SNP dictatorship, which left unionists raging.

“I am raging,” said Willie Rennie, of the Lib Dems in Scotlandshire. “Alex Salmond cannot be left to get away with yet another injustice. This country suffers enough without him making up polls and conspiring with proven criminals, in this case phone-hackers, to print this madness. These people simply aren’t credible at their job.

“It’s quite simple - there’s just no way the Yes vote can be ahead of the No vote. All the other polls said so. But hey, whit can ya dae?”

Conservative Cheerleader Ruth Davidson said: “We need to go back to being a country that controls its media in a fair and transparent way. We can’t have any Tom, Dick or Harry conducting polls then insisting theirs is the right one.

“I propose all polls results are sent to Better Together HQ for vetting before being published in the papers – just like all current press releases are.

“That way, we have the best of both worlds.”

Labour leader in Scotlandshire Anas Sarwar, who this week will demolish Nicola Sturgeon in a Scotlandshire Tonight debate even though Michael Moore already battered her in a previous one, was livid.

“All polls up to now have refused to ask the official referendum question – that’s what the referendum is for. The build-up to next September should be used to tell people about things such as Devo Max and Devo Plus, just incase these options are magically included in the question on polling day.

“Panelbase, The Sun and Alex Salmond, by actually asking the referendum question and getting a favourable outcome, simply show how out-of-touch they are with real Scots.

“I’m gonna go tell ma da’ about this.”

Prof John Poultice, the world’s only polling expert, said: “I initially couldn’t make head nor tail of this. It was revealed at the start of the weekend that the No vote had hardened and Yes was at its lowest point. By the end of Sunday it’s now basically the opposite.

“The explanation for this, however, is clear. Folk got absolutely smashed this weekend and therefore didn’t have control of their senses.

“Never conduct a survey on a weekend – that’s the number one rule in the exciting world of polling.”

 Related Articles

Herald : SNP poll puts Yes campaign ahead

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.