By Dugless Fazer, Acting Head of Outrageous Bias

Leading members of U-KOK, the main pro-dependence campaign group, have called for balance to be restored to the debate on separation as we approach the 1year2nogo milestone.

In an impassioned and warmly-received speech to be delivered to cosmonauts in the international space station, Alistair Darling MP (non-exec), head of U-KOK – or Great High Glans of Scotlandshire, to use his official title – has outlined a series of instructions to dependence campaigners.

Darling's recommendations are designed, he will say, to return a sense of equilibrium to the debate on not tearing apart the most successful union in the history of the world which has served us so well for millennia.

U-KOK spokes-dissembler and head of FUD, Blare McDougall, said some aspects of the campaigns have become very one sided and Darling's speech will give some simple guidance to nay-teams trying to redress this.

"On major issue is that Yes-callers outnumber Nay-sayers by almost 10 to 1. Generally speaking, the Natz can't wait to get out on the streets of an evening to accost passing citizens, while loyal British Nationalists don't seem to give a shit.

"Over the last few months we have developed a strategy of complaining about imbalance to get the separatists bounced from shows and kicked off the streets. When all else fails we either call for the polis, or bring in the heavies. We're not called Project Fear for nothing.

"This is a wonderful way to bring balance to the streets of Scotlandshire.

"Another problem is the way the Salmond's Splittists keep putting forward perfectly reasonable and well-researched arguments in favour of their cause. Our policy is to counter these with the most outrageous bollocks we can come up with, again creating equilibrium in the universe.

"Unfortunately, Yes Scotlandshire have been creating some balance of their own. How typical that they try to steal not only our words, but also our brilliant ideas.

"One way or another, U-KOK owns pretty-well every media outlet in the UK, this excellent broadcaster setting a fine example to others, only being out-biased by it's spoof competitor across the Clyde.

"But the Aye players have been infesting the social media for ages now. Even though we delete and ban them like a crazed game of whack-a-mole, they just keep coming back for more.

"Luckily, our Great Leader Gideon III has come up with a cunning plan to re-enact the Great War in the run up to the referendum. We'll start this time in Syria, and move on to Iran if Assad gives up the ghost too soon for U-KOK's electoral advantage to be assured.

"Then, once the smoke gas has cleared, we will bring our brave lads home and have them camp on every village in Scotlandshire, just in time for the referendum. The occupation, to be known as Armed Forces Day, should concentrate any waverer's mind wonderfully. It will be centred on the town of Stirling, near the bridge, so what could possibly go wrong?"

In other news, Labour's Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee on Furthering Unionist Doctrine has been put in charge of the new U-KOK Ambassador programme. It is already paying dividends with one heavily pregnant separatist being issued with 'a right longshanks of a doin' at a Robert the Bruce event in Dunfermline.

Davidson commented: "Thon U-KOK trainee immediately graduated fae the programme wi honours when he nearly made the wee separatist burd drap her wean right there on the pavement. Magic!"

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