Salmond accused of being from Mars

By Awawi Rafaireys, Our Origin Myth Correspondent

Sturgeon “probably from Venus”, say experts

molybdenumSeparatist First Minister Alex Salmond has been uncovered as a galactic emperor from Mars and must tender his resignation, the opposition has insisted.

A leading scientist has claimed that one particular element believed to be crucial to the origin of Mr Salmond would only have been available on the surface of the red planet.

Professor Steven Benner, a geochemist, has argued that the "seeds" of Salmond probably arrived on Earth in meteorites blasted off Mars by impacts or volcanic eruptions.

As evidence, he points to the oxidised mineral form of the element molybdenum, thought to be a catalyst that helped organic molecules develop into living structures akin to the First Minister.

mars"It's only when molybdenum becomes highly oxidised that it is able to influence how Salmond formed," said Benner, of the Westheimer Institute for Science and Technology in the US.

"It's yet another piece of evidence which makes it more likely that Salmond came to Earth on a Martian meteorite, rather than starting on this planet."

Blair McDougall, U-KOK head, first heard of Mr Benner’s views via email, helpfully editing the findings into a style suitable for unionists before releasing the information.

McDougall said: “These are yet more heinous facts coming out about the First Minister. He will do and say anything to get his precious separation, and yet this new evidence points to the fact Alex Salmond isn’t even from this planet.

“We thought as much. It’s more proof we’re Better Together.”

Boyd Tunnock (Commander of the British Empire) declared that he was astonished by the news. "I am astonished by the news", he said. "All this time, Salmond has been pretending to have been created largely out of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers, and now we find that is a total alien! He's made out of stuff from an English factory, made to an American recipe.

"When I called for 'certainty and clarity' about the consequences of Scottish separation, I wasn't told that the man proposing it was an Anglo-American alien, or that the UK had been invaded by bloody Yanks! My products sell all over the world because they are Scottish, and that market will never dry up!" As he was dragged away by Bliar McDougall, he could still be heard chanting, "Scotland! Scotland! Get it up ye's, ya f**kin' ....."

eck on marsLib Dem leader in Scotlandshire Wullie Rennie said, when summoned at a Press Seance, “I am absolutely and utterly flabberstonished by these revelations.

We have secretly been paying for the housing and maintenance of an illegal extra-terrestrial and we’ve seen no paperwork whatsoever on this, let alone done the groundwork for yet more international treaties between North Britain and Martian Territory. I pity the fool who has to renegotiate those.

“I just don’t know what else to say. They may as well get on with it and let me be First Minister as soon as possible. Alex Salmond is clearly not qualified - bit whit kin ye dae, eh?”

Commentator and biographer of Alex Salmond, David Torrance, said: “Earlier this year we found out that the Deputy First Minister of the region of Scotlandshire is a robot. Now, we find that the First Minister is an alien.

ecl lands from mars“Honestly, I don’t know why people would bother keeping tabs on Scotlandshire politics anymore. It’s gone mental.”

Mr Torrance confirmed he will be re-releasing his book on the First Minister in time for Christmas, with new chapters speculating on Salmond’s early life on Mars.

Labour's Ian Davidson, MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee on Molybdenum Alloy Research Testifying Independence is an Alien Notion in Scotlandshire said, “Ah'm no a bit surprised tae fun oot that wee Eck's a Martian.

“The wye he's attacking ma china Bill Walker jist fur skelpin' a few burds is alien tae ma wye o' thinkin', right eneugh. Bit then, Ah dinna ken M'ars fae ma Elba.”


Related Articles

Guardian : Life on earth 'began on Mars'

National Collective : Alex Salmond Accused of ‘Inventing’ Nicola Sturgeon


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