By Rool Britt Anya, Our Empire Correspondent

Scotland is not a member of the Commonwealth not now not ever.

Commonwealth general secretary Kamalesh Sharma, in an interview with Newsnicht Scotlandshire yesterday suddenly realised on camera that although Scotland competes as a separate nation in the Imperial Commonwealth Games, they are not in fact nor could they ever be under any circumstances, especially separation, a member of the Commonwealth.

This begs the question why Scotlandshire was ever allowed to host the games in the first place. Emergency meetings of COBRA have been held at Westminster to find a remedy for this desperate separatist KOK up.

BBC Scotlandshire understands the only solution on the table is to move the games to the pulsating heart of the union, London. Ty Speer Deputy Chief Executive of the games an American (separatist and non Commonwealth member) in a statement claimed that this problem had never arisen before and he thought it was probably an overreaction.

However Blair McDoughnut of the Better Together campaign insisted this was another of Dictator Eck's (©Anas Sarwar MP) plots to try to wrench the poor wee Scotch from the Union. Questioning the appointment of Ty Speer who as an American is obviously a supporter of separatism he asked why an appointment from south of the separatists’ imaginary border had not been made.

Pointing out that everyone knew Scotland was too wee, too poor and too stupid to organise an event of this magnitude, he insisted it would be best for everyone if it was handed over to the much cleverer people at Westminster and any accrued revenue surrendered to the seat of all power the London Exchequer as has been the custom and practice since 1707.

Dictator Eck (©Anas Sarwar MP) of the terrorist SNP accused ex-Labour First Minister, now Lord, McConnell of spending too much time on his wardrobe and not enough on the small print of the Commonwealth Games contract. He also denied any responsibility whatsoever under any circumstances even if it was a Monday for this humongous separatist mistake.

London's Lord Mayor and future Tory Prime Minister Boris Johnson is quoted in today's London Standard as welcoming the move "It will be very easy to move the food banks and homeless out of the Olympic venues and we have a whole year to do it". A comforting example of English British pluck and enterprise.

Anas Sarwar MP, Labour’s Scottish leader suggested "As Dad is now in charge of Pakistan, would it not be better to move the games to an Asian venue where a few bob could be made, I am sure Dad would look after his old mates on the Glasgow cooncil"

David Cameron was unavailable for comment as he has damaged his back playing with guns in his father in-law’s back garden (Jura). A spokescure from the Aberdeen ATOS Benefit Assessment Centre (conveniently just across the road from the new U-KOK shop) observed, "If he pops in to see us, we'll have him back on his feet (or on his belly) slaughtering stags as if they were going out of fashion."

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