By Reg U Later, Our Watch(wee)dug Correspondent

BBC Scotlandshire can exclusively reveal Blair McDougall has reported Channel 4 to the Office of Communications (OFCOM) for high treason and aiding and abetting the separatist cause.

The Better Together spokesprevaricator believes the Saturday evening airing of Braveheart was both inappropriate and untimely.

It has been well known for many years that Dictator Eck (© Anas Sarwar) uses such separatist snuff flicks to keep his campaign from complete and utter collapse. His Cybernat army watch this movie before going to sleep every evening to ensure adequate YES levels in their blood stream the following day.

Speaking on a direct dial mobile number, which is known only to BBC Scotlandshire, Blair McDougall said: “All the words used in this Braveheart movie are the trademark or copyright of the Better Together campaign. This continual theft of our positive case for the Union clearly demonstrates the separatist scum have no limits to how low they will sink for their extremist cause.”

He further added: “Project Fear is working flat out to get every debate or separatist favouring event cancelled or changed. We also welcome the totally unrelated and sensible policy of keeping separatism out of next year’s Edinburgh Festival, preferring instead the celebration of slaughter on an industrial scale in WWI and portrayal of a time when Britain still had an empire worthy of our real place in the world.”

Mr McDougall put forward the positive case for leaving Saturday night TV scheduling to the professionals: “When will the broadcasters live up to my personal pledge to have a full evening of song and political insight from Susan Boyle? You keep Simon Cowell waiting at your peril, as Susan herself found out!”

A concerned member of the public, a Mr I Davidson of Govan who works as a Chairchoob in London, telephoned BBC Scotlandshire to demand our Heid of Bias and Current Scaremongering use his influence to prevent any further transmission of the separatist propaganda that seeks to skew the debate towards balance.

He fumed: “Fur f--k sake Johnny! Whits up wi yer pals at Channul fower? Ah thocht we hid goat wan o’ oor ain in therr when Jay Hunt jined the board?

“Whits the use o’ us gettin’ aw oor folk intae position if thur gonnae pull shite like this? Remember, ahm yur man for doin any re-educating of that Hunt [sic] wummin!”

BBC Scotlandshire has also learned of a new “Braveheart Detector Test” that has been devised by Professor Hugh Pennington of Aberdeen University. The test works by closely monitoring the physical reactions of a suspected Separatist Nutter Pandemic (SNP) sufferer to the closing sequence of Braveheart.

The dialog from the movie is replicated below for the benefit of those lucky enough not to have had to endure this separatist abomination:

“In the year of our Lord 1314, patriots of Scotlandshire, starving and outnumbered, charged the fields of Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen. And won their freedom.”

Professor Pennington was asked about the effectiveness of the test to detect and weed out separatists, he commented: “It is one of the simplest and most effective cognitive tests so far devised for SNP with a 100% detection success rate in man and wee dug.

“A Better Together fan will be fully repulsed by the mere suggestion of the Union not having been in existence forever and shudder violently when the “f” word is aired.

“Separatists cannot bear to watch this sequence without becoming teary eyed and will be visibly desperate to get onto the streets with banners, leaflets and placards that are full of YES Scotlandshire lies, smear and ideas stolen from the Better Together campaign.”

The Secretary of State for Scotlandshire posited this new test was yet one more example of how the Union was working for Scotlandshire. Michael Moore MP stated with unwavering conviction and authority: “This cost effective test is yet another positive reason for the Union. Such a test would never have been developed in a separate Scotlandshire.

“The rest of the world will have no option but to quarantine the whole of Scotlandshire if the separatists are successful in next year’s vote. I’ve spoken with various foreign ministers who’ve all expressed a fear for their own citizens’ wellbeing if this insidious disease is not contained.”

He did, however, offer a glimmer of hope: “A team of specialists have been working on this problem for some time. Michael Kelly and Tam Dalyell look to be very close to finding a cure for this plague that has contaminated Scotlandshire for decades. The final solution does have one unfortunate side effect - Holyrood Hollywood will need to be bulldozed to ensure we’ve eradicated the primary infection source once and for all. But what’s £440m amongst friends when we're working to keep our glorious Union together?”

A spokesnat for the Scotlandshire Government responded far too impassionedly to BBC Scotlandshire’s enquiries: “How many times have we asked you to stop pestering us with these Project Fear stories? Please only call when you have a proper story for us to comment upon.”
 

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