By Jeeratmy Kartson, Our Motoring Correspondent

Scotlandshire is the ideal place for testing off-road vehicles - they have few roads up there, and if you run over some of their populace it doesn't matter.

They did have a motor industry back when they were truly part of the Empire - The Albion Motor Company Ltd which was properly named after the civilized part of the nation. Appropriately they made a "rustic-looking dogcart made of varnished wood".

The locals found themselves incompetent at building anything more sophisticated, when an attempt was made to allow them to build cars at Linwood. Strangely, however, they still seem to complain that any vehicle built to our specifications doesn't fit their needs.

Despite assurances from their own kind that "there's nothing wrong with the car", the whining scroungers remain unsatisfied. The following litany of moans from one of them makes the point.

Dear Bella,

I would like to complain about the UK Plc Car you sold me as the local UK:OK sales rep… 

You marketed it as OK, but it is most definitely NOT OK!

It keeps veering to the right regardless of what I try to do to remedy the situation. I’m sure you can understand my frustration at always travelling in a direction that is not of my choosing…

It costs a fortune in oil… in fact it seems to burn through so much that the fuel fund kitty that I got from my Granny as an inheretance is almost half depleted. It’s quite upsetting that the wealth put aside is being wasted in this fashion and annoying that now its squandered, were seeing the cost of running the car skyrocket and ending up with the most expensive fuel costs out of all the cars on EU Boulevard, where I live…

In fact the neighbours are getting quite fed up with the car and its antics – constantly backfiring and disturbing the peace – that they would seem to like to see the back of us…

Another more worrying thing is that the safety features (which were one of the best original features of the car – such as the Nightime Headlight System) seem to have been dismantled and replaced with a myriad of low-cost parts from a multitude of suppliers – it is now very uncertain what situation my family and I would find ourselves in should something happen…

I know you said its only had 2 owners (Miss Connie Servative and Miss Li Bour) but to be honest it seems to have been poorly looked after and the money and attention they should have spent on essential repairs seems to have been spent elsewhere – probably on the expensive ‘vagazzling’ you said they used to do to their ‘southern regions’.

I really think that this car should be condemned as unfit for purpose and a danger to those in it!

I have recently sourced a smaller car that seems to offer better basic protection, is less expensive to run and is more responsive – and its size lets me nip into spaces I wouldn’t have managed otherwise which is a great advantage!

So please take this car back and refund my money or I shall take you to court for your shameful portrayal of myself and this car as ‘Better Together’ when I bought it – even though you may not agree, the evidence is there to back up my claim!

Yours (An independently minded)

Scott Land

 "Refund my money" - What a ridiculous idea!

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Bella Caledonia : There's nothing wrong with the car

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