By Ken S Wirnaegood, Football Correspondent

"BBC Scotlandshire's selection of Scotland games to cover has beamed into every Scottish household clear evidence that Scotland is shite", claimed Scott Cringe, spokescrawler for Bitter Together.

"In our joint planning, we had agreed that Sky should have the rights to the two home games, and the away match with the diddy Welsh, since the Scotch might actually have won those games. It wasn't the fault of BBC Scotlandshire that the Levein is even more crap than we could have guessed", he added.

Evidence to the Select Committee Handling Information and Statistics Misuse, from London experts, showed definitively that the only Scots able to afford either Sky subscriptions or to go to the pub are ConLabs. The rest are too poor, too wee, and too stupid, although there was some contrary evidence that the remaining Lib Dem in Scotland may have had access to Sky at his Granny's.

Prime Minister David Cameron said. "Of course, I was going to watch the England game, even if they always seem strange. Only one of the players ever picks up the ball in his hands!"

He added, "While my advisers tell me that no Scot would ever be picked for a Greater England team, the Olympics showed that Scots would much rather cheer on a team wrapped in the Union Jack, and so are natural England supporters."

"Once the Scots reject independence, we'll give FIFA our full support in their plan to abolish the Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish."

Asked if he meant that just their teams would be abolished, Cameron replied "No."

Regrettably, the Belgian performance has heartened Flemish separatists.

Freddy van Hoevelen, lives in the Flemish Brabant town of Vilvoorde and the 39-year old Flemish IT consultant has had enough. "The Belgian franc is gone. It took us ages to score against the Scots tonight, and they are really kak. The monarchy cannot even appeal to the politicians to stick together. It is time for us to get a divorce," he said.

"With the best will in the world, you can not build a country on a shared taste for mussels, chips and beer - no matter how tasty."

Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was eating chips.

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