Darling Denies All Knowledge of Missing Oil

By Rockall Baillie, Our Shipping Correspondent

pouring corn

Better Together chairman Alistair Darling yesterday poured scorn on SNP claims that he deliberately misled the public about the amount of oil remaining in the North Sea.

Mr Darling repeated his earlier assertion that only around 2 billion barrels of oil remain, as opposed to the 24 billion barrels commonly cited by oil industry leaders.

"The nonsense spouted by the swivel-eyed Nats about oil reserves is typical of their constant sniping so far", explained Mr Darling from the deck of his personal tanker moored off Aberdeen.

"Rather than simply listen to what I tell them, they insist on asking more questions and generally disrespecting their betters. I'm a Westminster MP for God's sake! Who the hell are those jumped up little Nats to talk back to me?"

"They can harp on about their oil all they want, but they'll be in for a nasty surprise when they find out the truth!"

At this point the interview was interrupted as Mr Darling oversaw the unloading of several thousand barrels of oil from his ship.

A spokesperson for the Scottish Green Party also issued a statement.

"Far be it from us to accuse Mr Darling of impropriety, but we can't help wondering where the 22 billion missing barrels have gone. Neither BP nor Exxon have increased their production, but interestingly several fisherman have reported sightings of a mysterious tanker helmed by a man with hair as white as snow and eyebrows black as night." 

"On a completely unrelated note, a quick glance at Mr Darling's expenses shows a series of claims for rig maintenance dating back to 2006. Also, his third home is technically a refinery complex on Shetland."

(Ed - Sack that intern doing the illustrations!!!)


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