By Gettit Upem, Our Military Correspondent

Students of military history remember the dictator's chilling claim in 1938 "It is the last territorial claim that I have to make in Europe" before further aggression against peaceful neighbours plunged the whole world into 5 years of brutal war. Now a new claim by Dictator Eck (©2013 Anas Sarwar) threatens world peace again.

In his 'Lerwick Declaration' Salmond committed the Natz to giving greater autonomy to the UK's island groups that lie off the Scotlandshire coast. Yet, at the same time he said, "Our current naval capability is based on prestige, not performance. The navy does not have a single major surface vessel based in Scotland.

"The largest protection vessels stationed in Scottish waters are those of the fisheries protection vessels run by the Scottish government. It is absurd for a nation with a coastline longer than India's to have no major surface vessels."

Defence analyst, Sir Rupert Fotheringham-Smythe, who served as a latrine orderly during his National Service, commented, "Scotlandshire has no need for vessels larger than a lifeboat anyway. All the oil will have run out by the time that any separation came, so the rigs don't need to be defended. The fishing grounds were given away by the UK to Europe a long time ago, and Scotlandshire would be thrown out of Europe, so they won't have any of those either.

"The only reason for his wanting warships would be to seize someone else's waters or land or both. Salmond's henchman has also said that a separate Scotlandshire would have 20% more troops than the UK intends to place in Scotlandshire, and these are clearly intended as an invasion force.

"Likely targets for Salmond's policy of military aggression are the Faroes, Iceland and Norway to the north.

"This secret map showing the invasion routes was found by Blair McDougall on the internet. Intrerestingly, Salmond intends to use exactly the same routes identified in the Viking sagas."

U-KOK head, Alastair Darling MP (and estate agent - contact him now for advice on house flipping) said, "We have long condemned the lack of detail in the separatists' military planning. Salmond must explain now which country he is going to attack first following this huge militarisation of Scotlandshire which he intends to create.

"When he promises 'a job for life' in his New Model Army, he must specify exactly how long that life will be for each recruit, and detail exactly the hideous death each will suffer as a stormtrooper in a separate Scotlandshire invasion horde."

Professor David Starkey, internationally respected media purveyor of rabid nationalism and ridiculous hyperbole, considered that a drive to the South West was more likely. "The Scotch all hate the English, so replicating Edward Bruce's 1315 campaign in Ireland is the obvious strategy. Since P&O and StenaLine will both have abandoned a separate Scotlandshire, stranding many Celtic and Rangers fans on the wrong side of the North Channel, Salmond will be desperate to provide military transport for them since Scots will be too poor to attend matches."

Mayor McHunter of Berwick-upon-Tweed chose to differ. "If Scotland becomes independent, we'd expect the first annexation to be here - and the sooner the bloody better!" she said.

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