By Randy Mann, Our Moral Arbiter Correspondent

A triumphant David Cameron earlier announced plans to force internet providers and search engines to severely restrict the availability of PORN (Pernicious Online Republicanism & Nationalism).

In an interview with BBC Scotlandshire, the Prime Minister announced a raft of measures aimed at ensuring that the government has far tighter control over the British public’s access to online content.

“Governments have stood by for too long and ignored the spread of PORN across the internet”, explained Mr Cameron.

“This stops today. It is clear that allowing free, unfettered access to PORN has led to a marked decline in the moral fibre of our nation, with teenagers particularly at risk of becoming dangerously addicted.”

“The plan itself is quite simple”, explained Mr Cameron, “I fax a list of banned phrases to the internet, with clear instructions to not send any more internet to people who ask to see anything on the banned list.”

“The internet will have a fax machine, won’t it? I’m not really sure how it works, to be honest.”

At this point in the interview, Mr Cameron was advised by an aide to avoid discussing any more technical details.

“Of course, today’s announcement is only the first step. Once we have a precedent set in law that the government can restrict access to certain terms, it will be far easier for future regimes to start banning whatever they like. Today it's PORN, but that can soon spread to anything else we decide we don't like."

“Just look at how successful countries like China and North Korea have been at controlling online misbehaviour. You don’t see Kim Jong-Un having penises photoshopped onto his forehead, do you?”

However, dissenting voices have expressed scepticism at Mr Cameron’s plans.

“So, if he can’t even convince Google to pay their taxes, what makes him think they’ll listen to him now?”, asked one separatist.

"This government seem to be having some kind of Orwellian wet dream, thinking they still have any power whatsoever over the flow of information." 

"What David Cameron fails to realise is that asking Google to hide PORN is like Johann Lamont asking Twitter to stop calling her Jimmy Krankie. It's a nice idea, but anyone who really cares will get their fix elsewhere."

A spokesperson for Google was equally unimpressed.

"If Mr Cameron wants to push us he can try", began the press release, "but we have some interesting information about his browser history at 2am on July 16th that I doubt he wants made public."

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