By Dr A Cula, Our Blood Banker Correspondent

BBC Scotlandshire can exclusively reveal that as part of the austerity drive David Cameron’s government intends to merge the Department of Health and the Department of Work and Pensions.

The new department will be called the Department of Wealth from Health and is expected to be officially launched in 2016. However a pilot scheme will be run in the North British region of Scotlandshire for a minimum of 20 years. When a government spokestube was questioned about the political fallout from using the Scotch as guinea scum, he retorted that as they only elected one Conservative MP to Westminster it really didn’t matter whether they like it or not.

Iain Duncan Smith informed BBC Scotlandshire that the recent move of selling off the NHS blood service was the first of many that would allow the government to create wealth from health. He said, "In future any poor Scotch people, especially those on jobseekers allowance, would be given the opportunity to sell their blood to the new privately owned company. Those that choose not to grasp this wonderful new income stream would have the sanction of the cash equivalent of 5 pints of blood a week deducted from their benefits."

At today’s exchange rate this is approximately £66. IDS observed: “This would leave the scrounging Scotch bastards with about £10 a week to live on, which could be as much benefit as they would get in a separate Scotlandshire.”

He pointed out that it was only fair that rich people were given the opportunity to buy the blood of poor people as they were much more important to the economy. Asked if the rich would continue to contributing to the blood bank in future, he quite rightly noted that they were far too busy avoiding tax and collecting bonuses to be bothered going to the local job centre where the new blood banks are to be situated.

At the moment there is research ongoing to establish just how many Jocks are able to give blood since such a high ratio are actually junkies, alcoholics and/or just possibly subhuman. Indications are that a surprisingly high percentage of scroungers will pass the ‘were you pissed last night test’. This, IDS assures us, is almost entirely due to the fact that when benefits do not cover the cost of food it’s unlikely you can afford a pint.

The Westminster government sees a great future in this approach as so many poor people have extra kidneys, eyes and lungs which are at present being underutilised. The department of work and pensions estimates the savings by 2020 will be in the region of £200 billion annually. The National Health Service is expected to be turning a nice wee profit for the shareholders by 2019.

Connie Nodaethat of the think tank “Gie the Poor a Break” spouted a load of communist nonsense about it not being right that the less well-off in society should need to sell their blood and body parts in order to survive. She concluded: "Some people haven’t got a clue what it’s like out there in the real world."

Scotch Cabinet Secretary for Health and Wellbeing, Alex Neil MSP, drivelled something about a separate Scotlandshire not needing any bloody blood from bloody Westminster.

He claimed that as the NHS was devolved in Scotlandshire and they were self-sufficient in blood products, they could stick their bloody pilot scheme where the sun don’t shine, before keeling over in a dead faint at the mere thought of blood.

Labour’s shadow Health and Wellbeing frontbencher, Neil Findlay MSP, has not as yet been informed by London of what he was allowed to say and so was unable to comment.

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