"Bitter and desperate" separatists to make political capital from war heroes

By Max McCaird our financial correspondent

david-cameron-flagAs almost exclusively revealed in BBC Scotlandshire, Prime Minister David Cameretonian has announced a national commemoration to mark the 100th anniversary of the start of WW1 in 1914.

A series of Union flag waving events designed to bring the whole united British nation better together, it will dominate BBC coverage throughout the summer and autumn of 2014. Nicholas Witchell is already planning a documentary special about how marvellously not-really-German-at-all King George V was.

In a foretaste of how BBC Scotlandshire will be ramming this patriotic commemoration of all things red white and blue down your throats for months, you're getting another article about it right after the last one. Only people who hate our troops and want the Taliban to win could possibly object.

kiltiesThe commemoration just happens to coincide with the Scottish parochial independence referendum campaign, but cynical and bitter white feather waving separatists with chips on their shoulders imagine that the two are somehow related. A sweaty separatist who still has his mother do his laundry has voiced a groundless complaint.

Sour minded Scotchshire splittists have announced their intention to betray the glorious ideals that led the British Empire into a cat-fight with George V's Kaiser cousin.

"You'd have thought it might be more appropriate to commemorate the end of a war that killed over 37 million people, not the start of it," sniffed an unpatriotic spokeseparatist on a video link from Ulaan Bator.

The unkempt cybernat with no girlfriend ranted unreasonably:

"We want nothing to do with Westminster's bitter and desperate British nationalism. We're calling on everyone to join the Bonny White Feather Club and wear a white feather in 2014 as a sign we conscientiously object to Westminster with its nuclear weapons and its attacks on the poor, and to show we seek a better and more peaceful future for Scotland."

Sources within Whitehall say that the idea to commemorate the centenary was promoted by the Conservative led government as a back up plan in case Will has failed to get Kate up the duff by then and an excuse is needed to bring out the red white and blue bunting.

Conservatives are also reported to be keen on the commemoration as 1914 was when the British Empire was at its height, Downton Abbey was a reality show, and Scotlandshire was still North Britain.

A spokesrupert for the Tories said:

chums"1914 was the last time the plebs knew their place, so it's good to remind this current generation of peasants and benefit claimants of a time when their betters ordered them to march off to war and die for King and Country, and they jolly well did what they were told.

"We're confident that the people of Scotlandshire will also do as they're told in 2014."

The early 20th century was the era when the sun never set on the British Empire because God doesn't trust Westminster in the dark. But 100 years on Britain's colonial possessions have been reduced to Gibraltar, the Falklands, the Chagos Islands, and Scotlandshire.

Only one has uppity natives, the rest are determinedly proud to be British and no splittist separatist nonsense is to be heard, although in the case of the Chagos Islands that's only because Whitehall deported the entire population so they could rent the islands out to the US as a military base.

No events are planned to commemorate the deportation of the Chagos Islanders, but the WW1 commemorations will highlight how the conflict enriched the English language by giving us the terms "cannon-fodder", "industrialised slaughter", and "lions led by donkeys".

A spokesdonkey for the UK Government brayed:

more-men"The centenary will give the great British public the opportunity to reflect on just how monumentally vain, arrogant, clueless and stupid their political masters were before and during the Great War. I mean, it's not like anyone cared about Belgium. The great powers of Europe were spoiling for a fight, and the assassination of Arch Duke Ferdinand was just a convenient excuse.

"But we'd rather people didn't think about that, so instead the commemorations will concentrate on the officially declared purpose of the war, and not the real reasons. The public were told it was so that small nations could regain their independence and decide their own futures ... Oh no, wait, that's not going to work either is it?

"We were going to organise a mass sing-along to It's a Long Way to Tipperary, but then one of our MacMunchkins or Ulster Leprechauns, I forget which, pointed out that after the War, Tipperary declared independence along with the rest of the south of Ireland.

"So instead we'll organise football matches because we know the plebs like them - it's similar to polo only without the horses apparently - in commemoration of the Christmas truce football matches spontaneously played by British, French and German soldiers in No Man's Land in 1914. It will give Rangers something to do now they're in division 3, but it might be difficult to explain why we're on the same side as the Huns.

john-bull"And we'll just have to hope no one brings up the fact that in the following years of the war, British commanders ordered artillery bombardments on Christmas Eve to ensure that it didn't happen again.

"You know, perhaps we haven't really thought this through ..."

A spokescock for Batter Together, Labour's deep fried chicken wing of the pro-British campaign, with responsibility for supplying battery farmed representatives to Ms Lamont's brave commission on means testing and cutting the winter fuel allowance, squawked:

"Those selfish nats have no consideration for elderly fowl who'll be left naked as a result of their ill-judged white feather campaign. If there are extra deaths from hypothermia that year, we'll know who to blame."

Former Labour MP and cabinet minister Lord John Reid of G4Sconsultancy said:

"It's typical of malevolent nationalists to hijack these anniversaries for their own selfish political purposes. Frankly I'm revolted by the notion that someone can take the centenary of such a terrible event - still within recent family memory for many people - and use it as a cheap stunt to sway opinion in the referendum.

"flag-posterOh no. Wait. That's us isn't it?"

Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairasbo of Westminster's British American Lapdancing Liaison Organisational Oversight Network Subcommittee said:

"Thae white feather waving nats is jist the same as nazis. An we'll gie them a doin jist like we gied the nazis a doin in WW1.

"Whit d'ye mean it wisnae Wurld War Wan? You callin me a liar? Come here and A'll trench ye, ya bastert."

If she's still leader by then, Scotchlandshire Labour leader Johann Lamont will be unavailable for comment during the commemorations as she will be reliving the wartime experience in her bunker.


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