A Letter to America

By Yip E. Kahyay, our US correspondent

darling eng shirtA copy of the following letter was recently sent to our offices in Washington DC by an anonymous government official known only as Deep Thrapple.

The document purports to have been written some three years in the future. However this is clearly nonsensical.

While the senior management of BBC Scotlandshire is quite happy to believe in the reality of time warps (we have already reported on one such which straddles the non-existent Scotlandshire/England border), we cannot accept the veracity of this letter.

After all, the existence of such a document would result in there being no uncertainty whatsoever in Scotland's future as a separate country.

This in turn would expose UKOK head Alistair Darling as a dirty lying callous bastard who is quite prepared to sell out his own country for a whiff of flipping ermine. And that is self-evidently untrue.


Argyll, Scotland

Wed. October 12th 2016

Dear Uncle Sam,

I have recently moved back into a property which had been occupied by a tenant for some time and I have discovered that some equipment has been left in the back yard. I understand that this equipment may have been leased from you by my tenant, but was not returned to you when the tenancy ended.

I am writing in the hope that you will arrange to have your equipment uplifted, as I do not wish it to remain on my property a minute longer than absolutely necessary.

My erstwhile tenant, a Ms U. Kaye who hailed from down South, had occupied the property in question for a number of years. She was actually quite reticent to leave - even after I made it clear that this was my wish. She even threatened to carry on occupying the property after her lease was up, but she was too afraid to actually carry out this threat and quickly claimed that she had never in fact said any such thing.

Ours was never what you would call a happy relationship at the best of times, but her behaviour had become so outrageous in the last few years that I eventually decided enough was enough and issued her with an eviction order. She moaned and groaned at first, and tried to negotiate an extension of her lease, but I was determined that she must go - and go she now has.

The property, know as Argyll, was always rather beautiful, and I was shocked to discover how Ms Kaye had left it when I moved back in. She has been digging holes all over the place, and leaving all sorts of stuff just lying about. She seems to have spent a lot of money on the driveway and some outbuildings, but has totally neglected the general upkeep of the property.

It turns out that none of her neighbours liked her very much either, and they were all rather glad to see her leave. She was always causing trouble, trying to take over committees and the like, throwing her (ample) weight around, and picking fights with the Asian families down the street.

She had run up some shocking debts recently, which she can't possibly afford to pay back, and is now in serious trouble with her creditors. I was forced to pay some of them off as she had actually taken a mortgage on my property to pay for some of her pet projects. What a cheek!

I have also had a word with my accountant and it turns out that I have effectively been paying for her to stay in my own property for years. If I had realised this earlier, I would have thrown her out long ago, but she and her shady friends (I call them her McCronies) managed to keep it secret from me for a long time.

I am sorry to go on about Ms Kaye as I understand she was latterly a friend of yours, but I am sure you haven't forgotten all that unpleasantness about the tax returns and the tea. You said some quite nasty things about her at the time, as I remember, and it was me who took your side back then and helped you to get started on your own.

Anyway, she is gone now and good riddance to her.

To get back to this equipment of yours, it consists of four very large and somewhat rusty nuclear submarines which seem to be leaking some rather nasty chemicals all over the place. I have no use for them, and I have no intention of continuing to pay for their lease nor, quite frankly, to be lumbered with the cost of having them removed.

To make matters worse, there also appears to be a huge hole elsewhere on the property which has been filled with around 240 nuclear warheads and their associated missile delivery systems. I must say, I am not at all happy at having such dangerous material so near to the house.

I would ask you, therefore, to arrange to have your equipment removed from my property at your earliest convenience. If I have not heard from you by the end of the month, I will presume you no longer want it and I will list it for sale on eBay.

I am sure there will be someone who has a use for such junk. That nice Mr Rouhani with the Glasgow accent and the beard has already expressed an interest.

Yours independently,

Bella Caledonia (Miss)


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