By Ava Bigwan, Our Defence Correspondent

There was outrage within some sections of the pro-union UKOK camp yesterday as the MOD in Westminster suggested allowing Scotlandshire to retain custody of the UKs nuclear deterrent in the event of a vote for separation.

Defence secretary Phillip Hammond said, “We are certain the people of Scotlandshire will have the good sense to reject separation. However in the event they do sever, smash and break our fine union and destroy all that is wonderful about Britain, we have looked at the options and decided, in a spirit of magnanimity, that parts of Argyll shall remain forever England, and forever host to the weapons of mass destruction of which this country is so rightly proud.

"In return for this however, we will demand ALL the Bruce Springsteen albums.”

However a UKOK source, speaking to BBC Scotlandshire off the record said, “This is a gift for the Yes campaign. To be honest, we do at times struggle to find positives for the union. For many of those campaigning with us, it’s the thought of losing all the strength, power, prestige and the warmongering rights that go with nuclear weapons that drives their thinking.

"For Westminster to now, at this stage, concede Scotlandshire can keep the UKs phallic power symbol is rewarding the separatists and may turn those warmongers we so desperately need away from campaigning for us. In addition every Bruce Springsteen fan in Scotlandshire will now have been pushed into the arms of the Yes campaign.”

The SNP also stepped in with the usual faux outrage they use whenever Westminster suggests anything. Far from prostrating themselves in thanks for this offering, in their usual racist manner they objected to Argyll becoming English and said Scotlandshire didn’t want nuclear weapons anyway. They then slammed the bedroom door and started blasting “Born to Run” full volume.

Update: 10 minutes later

Following the earlier story about Trident, it appears that David Cameron is very keen to withdraw early from the encounter, to avoid sowing seeds that may help populate the separatist campaign. It has been reported to BBC Scotlandshire that head of UKOK, Alisdair Darling, took time out from writing his speech, "a positive case for Scotlandshire not going it alone as a wee, impoverhished dictatorship" to phone number 10 to suggest insisting on keeping ALL the Bruce Springsteen albums was "playing into the hands of the Separatists". He is also believed to have added that annexing Argyll might not play as well as hoped either.

Number 10 responded by saying they were, "Equally appalled that the private thinking of the MoD on such a sensitive matter had entered the public domain" and that they would give a good rodgering to whoever had leaked. David Cameron said, "We want people in England to lovebomb our Scotlandshire subjects and let them know how loved they are. In offering to leave our really hard weapons inside Scotlandshire's boundaries we had hoped to do that. For some reason though, there appears to have been a communication issue. We will go away and work on the presentation, perhaps returning with flowers and chocolates before insisting once again we can screw you with impunity."

The withdrawal came after "International hardcore weapons" expert, Gettit Upyez said, "I'm afraid the MOD piece is more of a codpiece. The idea that the UK can still go around taking a piece of any country it wants is a phallusy. It may be hard for this to penetrate the body politic but at some point the MOD members have to be fully grasped in the mass-debate that is being teased out by this latest hard to swallow seminal outpouring."

In other news: Alistair Darling, UKOK head's positive speech in full (with thanks to The Saturdays who assisted in its composition and have graciously allowed it to be used as the UKOK theme tune):

A. Darling: speech 11th July, Glasgow University
A positive case for Scotlandshire not going it alone as a wee, impoverhished dictatorship

Oh why are we are waiting so long and suffocating? (Oh why are we are
Waiting so long and suffocating)?
It's now or never, time we got together, been a long time coming, now I
Need that loving,
I love the way you tease me, so let's just make this easy, put me in
Control and we can switch roles,
I'll take the lead, your so far behind me, you know what I need, I'm not
Gonna stop.

Whatever the weather we gon' be better together so what's up baby WHAT
ABOUT US?
Cus I've been watching and waiting why don't you give it or take it, so
What's up baby WHAT ABOUT US?
What you doing to my head? (Na Na Na Na Na),
You should be with me instead (Na Na Na Na Na),
What about those words you said? (Na Na Na Na Na),
WHAT ABOUT US? (WHAT ABOUT US)?

Oh why are we are waiting so long and suffocating? (Oh why are we are
Waiting so long and suffocating)?
I love to hear you whisper, taking taking over, don't be afraid to show,
What you freakin' do,
Cus we can do it nightly, you get me excited, now it's my turn turn turn
(Yes it's my turn),.
So give it to me, why are we waiting?, I know what you need, and I'm not
Gonna stop

Whatever the weather we gon' be better together so what's up baby WHAT
ABOUT US?

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