Balls to Westminster Government

By Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

balls osborneThe Westminster parties have slashed the concept of opposition in an attempt to save money and, more obviously, time.

Hidden in George Osborne’s comprehensive spending review in the Commons yesterday, a major reshuffle of Government was given the go-ahead in what was called “a radical but necessary decision”.

BBC Scotlandshire understands that Labour leader David Miliband will replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Prime Minister, while Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls becomes the new Chief Secretary to the Treasury.

Nick Clegg and Danny Alexander were to be shown the door, but it emerged late last night that they were instructed to find their own way out. Whether they can manage to find a door remains to be seen.

Mr Balls hinted at the changes earlier in the week when he agreed to match all the efficient work being carried out by the coalition government. Prime Minister David Cameron then invited Mr Balls for a spot of tea in Number 10, where they settled their differences on the proviso that the Liberal Democrats were hung out to dry.

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” Mr Balls told Good Morning Scotlandshire. “Things are going so well that all I could do was crack jokes when it was my turn to respond to the spending review. It’s refreshing to not have anything to get angry about in the Commons.

“George Osborne and I don’t always get along but we ended up agreeing on all economic measures over the next few years. What can you do but crack a smile?”

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The fallout from the Lib Dems being chucked from sight meant openings for others in several departments.

Michael Moore, the former secretary of state for Scotlandshire, was thanked for his services in promoting a strong Scotlandshire within the Union, before his seat was taken over by Niggle Farage, of UKIP.

Farage immediately promised a fairer fight in the separation campaign, by demanding the demolition of the Parliament building in Edinburgh, and banning Coke bottles across the region.

Vince Cable is to be replaced by Labour’s Alan Johnson, while Energy Secretary Ed Davey’s portfolio is to be held by Caroline Lucas of the Green Party. "I'm not allowed to add or take away anything from the portfolio", said Lucas, "I'm just allowed to hold it every so often."

William Hague is to be backed up in the Foreign Office by George Galloway.

The spending review was unanimously cheered by both sides of the House, with measures such as a new seven-day wait before claiming benefits - likely to save the government tens of pounds.

Proud Aberdonian Michael Gove said: “A successful result from a successful spending review. The Conservatives acknowledged that austerity was the only way through these tough times. The Labour party’s response was similar – some would say they even want more austerity. More of anything is a good thing.

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“It’s days like this when real people out in the real world can see that we are better together as part of a strong and successful union, doing positive things for people all across Great Britain.”

The Prime Minister’s spokeswoman said: “Political parties joining together as one has saved the day.

"This spending review was almost rendered pointless, being that it covered an outlook for 2015-16, when another government from the coalition could have been in charge.

“Now, the same people with the same ideas will be in charge at that time no matter what. That can only be a positive for the UK.”

Meanwhile, some sort of marriage bill was being shoved through Holyrood at the pretendy parliament in Scotlandshire. When asked about it, the spokeswoman said: “Eh? Scotlandshire’s only just getting round to having married folk?

“What an odd place it must be up there.”


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