By Unpaid Intern, Our Holding the Fort With No Resources Idiot

In another attempt to fill BBC Scotlandshire with what looks like new content but actually isn’t, we decided to look back on the big stories so far in 2013 – and in particular, stories that were so big we couldn’t be arsed writing more than 200 words on them.

While BBC Scotlandshire has been going from strength to strength, picking up awards left, right and centre (we make them out of washing-up liquid bottles and sticky-back plastic and hand them to each other in the office), we couldn’t have done it without our loyal readers who comment on our professionalism and press those weird “like” cyberbuttons.

So, here’s your chance to comment on the best of our briefs so far this year, for the first time. We take all comments and even suggestions under advisement, before laughing and completely ignoring them. Still, give it a go anyway.

JANUARY

Worrying rise in support for separatism

A new poll shows Yes support has risen from 23% to 34% over 3 months. At that level of progress a Yes vote of 73.3% in the referendum would be expected.

The Scottish Mail on Sunday, reporting the poll, said that “the last referendum on Scottish independence was held in 1997” when 74.3% voted Yes! Yes!

“This definitely shows that Scots are less keen on self-government than they were last century,” said the Mail. “We are unaware of the difference between 'independence', 'devolution' or 'separation', but we understand that they are all just synonyms for “Scotch bolshie bastards”.

U-KOK head Alastair Darling expressed his concern over both this and the increasing number of those, previously confidently voting No, who were now unsure as to how they would vote. "Bugger it," he exclaimed.

“Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Yah”, responded Yes Campaign leader Blair Jenkins.

-----

Beyonce Superbowl costume “like Alex Salmond”, says leading Tory

Defeated contender for the post of Regional Placeman (Scotlandshire) in the Tory Party, Murdar Fraser, suggested that Beyonce’s outfit at the American Superbowl was reminiscent of Alex Salmond's suggestion of a separate Scotlandshire.

Explaining this rather bizarre comparison, Fraser said: “Initially, I found it slightly interesting, before I realised that much was cosmetic, and the important bits were being carefully concealed.

“At the same time, it was obvious that even if they were revealed, I would be much too scared to take the opportunities on offer.

“Much better to stay together with David Cameron and Ruth Davidson, where nothing is on offer and any vague promises of getting something in the future would be singularly unattractive anyway.”

FEBRUARY

Wullie Rennie puts himself forward for Eastleigh by-election

Following the shock news that English Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne lied through his teeth for years, then reneged on a public pledge to “deny the charge of perverting the course of justice”, the ‘Honourable Member’ has decided to bugger off.

“I could have represented my constituents just as well from the pokey,” said Huhne, “but the contacts I make there will enhance my criminal skills. I need to prepare for my future career.”

With a vacancy for a highly paid MP for Eastleigh, Wullie Rennie has announced his intention to apply.

“I’ve as much chance as any Lib Dem of winning,” he said, “and I have a deep interest in defence which is a reserved matter. You need to be able to defend yourself on a Fife bus.

“With regard to foreign policy, I’m a bit of a specialist, since I’ve travelled extensively outside the Kingdom. I’ve been to both Edinburgh AND Dundee.

“I am confident that the local party will see my qualities and take the appropriate decision.”

-----

Holyrood 80% more wrong on separation than Westminster

The newly published UK government paper, "Why Separation for Scotlandshire is a Really, Really Bad Idea" runs to some 80 pages, while the Scottish Government's earlier document, "Indy's Easy Peasy" was only 16 pages long, when you tear off the front cover, back page, index etc.

According to the Herald on Sunday, any competent statistician will tell you this discrepancy in length means that the Westminster paper contains exactly five times as much correctness as the Holyrood one, demonstrating that the unionist side has already won that particular argument, the Holyrood effort having failed to reach the mandatory 40% threshold.

However, a spokesnat for the SNP told this channel that the UK paper was written by a team of over a thousand civil servants, each of whom was set the task of restating the line "too wee, too poor, too stupid" in a single paragraph written in their own words, with the least repetitive 500 being included in the document.

He said: "We understand that the positive case for the union has been included as a microdot, somewhere on page 45. We have not been able to read it, however, as we don't have the appropriate equipment ourselves and Theresa May is refusing to share the information with us.

"Apparently, we just need to trust them that it is there."

-----

Meteor demonstrates Clegg's brilliance

Nick Clegg was hailed as a genius this morning after a meteor attack 3,000 miles away proved once and for all that separation for Scotlandshire would soon be “annihiliated”.

Alex Salmond’s plans were dealt a massive blow, again, as the small town of Chelyabinsk in Russia was bombarded by meteors from space.

The Deputy Prime Minister, who told the House of Commons “the vast majority” of people on Earth wanted the UK to remain, pointed to the storm when asked why the arguments for independence couldn’t just be destroyed “now”.

“Be patient,” said Mr Clegg. “There is a positive case for the Union, everybody knows that. But we don’t actually need to bore everybody with it. Sooner or later the country will be battered by a natural disaster, proving separation pointless. Because we’ll be dead.

“And of course it’ll be the SNP’s fault. The papers say that it always is.”

A spokeswoman for Mr Salmond said: “These meteors haven’t performed any U-turns and haven’t harmed as many people as the coalition’s disastrous policies. In our book, that makes these rocks better people than Nick Clegg.”

MARCH

Health Secretary “lying down on the job”, opposition moans

Scotlandshire Minister for Health Alex Neil was accused of “lying down on the job” today when he passed out watching live surgery.

Mr Neil, who took over the brief from Nicola Sturgeon, was viewing a kidney swap at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary when he went “white as a sheet” and had to be wheeled out in an ASDA trolley.

Labour pounced on the incident. A spokesperson for Johann Lamont said: “The SNP government is obviously going downhill fast. Nicola Sturgeon never fainted on the job.

“An English health secretary would never have gone to jelly at a few cuts; they are much tougher when it comes to slicing and dicing.”

Tory leader Ruth Davidson said: “This is like a transport minister not being able to drive, or a Chancellor not being able to balance the books. It’s unfathomable.”

A spokesman at the hospital said: “We found it difficult at first to separate the renal artery from the abdominal aorta in the donor. We also had to negotiate around 14,000 beta cells in the pancreas. The realisation hit Mr Neil pretty hard.

“Separation is extremely complex. I don’t know why we bothered, really.”

-----

Cameron 'a lying git' says head bean counter - again

David Cameron was yet again accused of "lying through his f**king teeth" by someone who does sums for a living.

Robert Chote, head of the UK's Office of Budget Responsibility, sent Cameron a letter (sarcastically ending "best regards") pointing out that his suggestion that the OBR supported his claim that austerity wasn't damaging growth was bollocks.

An aide to Chote summarised the letter in simpler terms. "He essentially said that Cameron was a lying git, an economic moron, or more probably both. If the arseholes who are ruining the UK economy don't even understand that levering huge wads of cash out of the economy has a multiplier effect that makes things even worse, then the UK is totally f**ked," he said.

Channel 4 News made things even worse for the enfeebled Coalition when Vince Cable said: "It's all the fault of someone else, nothing to do with us." In an un-broadcasted part of the interview, seen by BBC Scotlandshire, Cable then said: "Shit. That's what we pretend the SNP does! Shit, shit, shit!"

In another report Channel 4's FactCheck showed that Cameron had misled the UK Parliament over those who would be affected by the bedroom tax.

-----

Darling to star in “Are You Smarter than A 16-Year-Old?”

Alistair Darling, UKOK head, is to blast the SNP and their separation tactics in a debate with a 16-year-old.

Mr Darling, who has a space in his diary after feartie Alex Salmond refused to debate, will take on Ellie Koepplinger in “Are You Smarter than A 16-Year-Old?” on television.

Koepplinger, who will have to change her name to a less foreign one if the UK falls, took charge of the Yes Scotlandshire campaign this week, according to UKOK head Darling.

“Alex Salmond won’t debate with me. Nicola Sturgeon doesn’t count because the SNP is a one-man dictatorship, and she's a woman. I don’t know who Blair Jenkins is. I don’t understand Elaine C Smith. So the next in line is Ellie Koepplinger.

“I look forward to scaring the life out of the poor wee lassie with the positive case for the Union.”

Ms Koepplinger, from Glasgow, said: “I also look forward to Alistair’s explanation. Hopefully after the show he can dumb it down for me on some Post-It Notes so I can check his grammar at the same time.”

Once filmed and the BBC see the outcome the show will be screened nowhere, never, ever.

APRIL

Chancellor clarifies “scrounger killer” remarks

Following Chancellor George Osborne's comments on the sentencing of child-killer Mick Philpott, BBC Scotlandshire asked him for more detail about his 'scrounger killers' remarks.

Asked whether he thought it was appropriate to link the conviction of a child murderer with the welfare budget, the chancellor replied:

"It is surely right to question the 'benefits lifestyle' of people like Mr Philpott when it can lead to such horrendous crimes. I will do all I can to see that the scourge of benefits is removed from our society, and I hope ensure we never see such evil again.

“Furthermore, I have been advised that a Dr Harold Shipman caused the deaths of many hundreds of his patients while living the life of an NHS GP. Again, we must question the policy of paying NHS staff from the public purse when this is the result, and I have taken steps this week to bring this abuse of taxpayers' money to an end."

When asked about the example of former PM Tony Blair, who caused the death of hundreds of thousands in Iraq alone, while paid as an MP, Mr Osborne said simply "Err, let me get back to you on that one."

-----

SNP train fare policy "will lead to Dundonian invasion"

A new train fare system unveiled by the Scotlandshire Government will make it easier for people from Dundee to escape to pastures new, experts have warned.

The region's transport minister, Keith Brown, said the "decades-old fare anomalies of split-ticketing" would end, making 275,000 journeys cheaper. The new pricing structure will see some fares slashed by as much as 41%.

Mr Brown added that £2.28m in government money would see fares on routes such as Dundee to Portlethen go from £27.90 to £16.60, a 41% fall.

Trainspotters were up in arms at the news. Enthusiast Loic O' Motion said: "Routes across the West Coast, not to mention local scenery, will be damaged beyond repair when quines take their bairns for day trips outside the cities which they couldn't previously afford. Unless they receive training on how to conduct themselves in rural areas, this will lead to ruin for Scotlandshire."

A spokesperson for Labour said: "Once again the SNP show their disdain for the public with this rash policy for making services cheaper to use and easier to understand.

"We're getting sick of it. So sick, in fact, that we might go and abstain on something soon. We're that angry about this."

-----

Clarity in Twitterland

There was outrage last night as a Labour MP tweeted something an SNP tweeter said a Labour MP said about something an SNP tweeter said he’d tweeted.

In fact, the Labour MP said later he actually hadn’t said that at all and it was the SNP “bastirt” who’d mistakenly tweeted he said it, when in fact he’d only mentioned in passing something similar last year. And anyway, he said in a later tweet, that was wholly different because what was said last year was that the Tories are “dirty money-laundering bastards”.

This time what the SNP say was said but wasn’t concerns – or rather doesn’t because it was never said - his own Labour party also being “dirty money-laundering bastards”. This, he said in an angry tweet last night, was something he obviously wouldn’t say, would he? “And it’s outrageous the SNP would tweet that I did say it”.

The confusion appears to have occurred after the Herald said the Sunday Times said the Labour MP said something, which in fact someone in the SNP said. Everyone demanded that everyone else should retract anything they’ve ever said and tweeted in the interests of clarity and decent debate.

MAY

Salmond accused of being “not Scottish enough”

The SNP were dealt a further fifteen hundred devastating blows to the face last night, leaving their separation plans in tatters.

First Minister Alex Salmond was called “un-Scottish” and “a dirty bastirt” by Unionists after he failed to protect Scottish comedians from hecklers.

It has been confirmed by The Hootsmon that Cybernats were directed by Salmond to pick on what they perceived to be unfunny, stereotypical “pish”.

Labour MSP Jackie Baillie said: “The SNP go out their way to ruin lives. First it was preventing real Scots from practicing their singing at football matches, then trying to lower the amount of cool smokers in the region, and now this.

“Comedians are important to Scotlandshire and if they don’t feel loved in their jobs there will be no budding Billy Connollys, Susan Calmans or Johann Lamonts in the future to tickle our funny bones.”

Professional heckler Joe K’sun Ewe said: “If that dirty bastirt tries to put some sort of law through stopping the likes of me from making feart stand-ups cry over their blogs, this place will go to the wall.

“I’d pelt Salmond with tomatoes but he probably has no idea what they are, the fat f*ck.”

-----

Gardening with unionists

BBC Scotlandshire is dedicated to the unionist cause. However, with Better Together doing such a fine job - smart, media-savvy, their 500 questions even “trending” UK wide - we feel somewhat unnecessary.

So, since it’s a lovely day, cherry blossoms in bloom, instead here is some spring gardening advice.

Spring is the time of re-birth, new shoots and buds gingerly poking through still frigid ground, hoping for sunlight in which to grow and prosper. Such growth requires tender care and nurturing. This, along with Scotlandshire’s dour weather, makes them wonderfully easy to kill off for those who despise the new and wish to cling onto the old.

So, to retain the status quo in your garden, choke off new blossoms by ensuring a good supply of weeds. This denies space and resources to the upstarts, overwhelming vulnerable new saps and seedlings. You can also deny them sunlight by draping a large tarpaulin over your garden, keeping it in perpetual darkness. Another trick to prevent emergent, “spring-like” movements is to pave over grass and soil completely then cover it with rusting old junk.

If all else fails, crush new flowers which do appear underfoot whilst calling them nasty names to break their spirits.

-----

First Minister teeters on brink

Alex Salmond is on the verge of being ousted as First Minister of Scotlandshire after a devastating week of mishaps.

It was confirmed that Salmond sat back and laughed as the right honourable Niggle Forage was dry-humped by drunken crack addicts in Nazi attire in broad daylight.

The event was just one of many blunders from the SNP leader, who is increasingly seen in many circles as being the cause of the state of society today.

This week alone, Salmond has:

- Single-handedly persuaded the Tories to form a coalition with "mad, swivel-eyed loons" the Monster Raving Loony Party;

- Failed to aid hospitals struggling with overcrowding after World Whisky Day;

- Refused to condemn nations who failed to back Bonnie Tyler in Europe;

- Remained silent as Jose Mourinho endured his worst season in management;

- Failed to show up at Silvio Berlusconi's "bunga bunga" trial;

- Declined to play peacekeeper as North Korea piss off the South again;

- ignored pleas to confirm whereabouts as bombs kill at least 76 in Iraq.

A Labour spokeswoman said: “He’s not even come round to fix my washing machine. If he can’t do that, how can he run a separate country?”

---

Scots un

Related Articles

---

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.