By Unpaid Intern, Our Holding the Fort With No Resources Idiot

This is going to look great on my CV!

I get to publish the report on the Donside by-election!

I just need to select the appropriate piece from my guidance material.

Hope I don't get this wrong! Must impress the management by picking the right  visual for it.

This picture of Donside near the village of Rostov looks impressive. I hadn't realised that any Scottish river was that big!

From: Nat Hunter, political correspondent

To: Director General

Subject: Filing for holiday period

Hello!

Great the summer schedule has finally come in! The break comes not a day too soon after the past year, I can tell you.

Anyway, as I'll now be off to the Swiss Alps skiing, then to California tasting wine while maintaining BBC Scotlandshire's firm links with top sources of unbiased journalism such as Fox News, please find attached my analysis of the Donside by-election result. There is one for every scenario barring something incredibly unforeseen like the Lib Dems or UKIP winning.

Can you ask that useless, unpaid intern to put up whichever one is appropriate, perhaps altering some of the quotes if anyone says anything more interesting than the ones I've made up?

Thanks

Scenario 1. SNP loses – presumed win, Labour

Blow for SNP's independence plans as voters desert sinking ship

The Donside by-election was always going to be about the referendum to separate Scotlandshire from the rest of the UK. The SNP have been at pains to make it anything but, focussing relentlessly on petty local issues no one outside that constituency cares about, like the roundabout and schools. But this was mere deflection. The by-election was the first real test of genuine support for the SNP after their accidental victory last year, and was always going to be a barometer for the referendum. And with Labour's stunning victory today, overturning a 7,000 majority with an unexpected swing of 14% it shows the winds of change are blowing a gale against the sails of the listing ship that is the SNP and separation. The result also means, alongside the defection of two separatists over NATO last year, that the SNP have now lost the Holyrood majority they commanded and have spent the past two years crowing about.

In his acceptance speech, successful Labour candidate, Willie Young said, “fu**in' get it up yous you SNP bastirts. The good folk of Aberdeen have spoken, mostly by post, and said they don't want you or your stupit policies and a' that. And they don't want separation. So there.”

UKOK head Alistair Darling, speaking on the BBC politics show added, “this is a massive body blow for Alex Salmond and his separation campaign, and a huge win for the union. The voters of Donside have loudly and clearly backed the union, and the referendum should now be called off immediately.”

Someone from the SNP said something stupid about the by-election not being anything to do with the referendum, which is clearly nonsense as the only policy the SNP had is separation.

2. Scenario 2: SNP win with reduced majority

Blow for SNP's independence plans as voters desert sinking ship

The SNP managed to hold onto its prized seat in Donside. It was a vital seat for the separatists to hold, as losing it would have meant losing their Holyrod majority, so they were always going to throw everything including the kitchen sink at securing a win.

This they achieved, however despite throwing vast resources at it, and dictator Eck visitng several times (or perhaps because of that!) their majority was slashed from 7000 to a mere 4500 in their own heartlands of Aberdeen. This is a clear indication that voters are turning away from both the party and their main policy: separation. The by-election provided the first real test of genuine support for the SNP after their accidental victory last year, and was always going to be a barometer for the referendum. And with a swing to Labour of 3.8% and a reduced majority, the winds of change are blowing a gale against the sails of the listing ship that is the SNP and separation.

Defeated Labour candidate, Willie Young said, “Fu**in' get it up yous you SNP bastirts. You might've won but the good folk of Aberdeenshire have spoken, and what they're saying, is that they don't want you or your stupit policies and a' that. And they don't want separation. So there.”

UKOK head Alistair Darling, speaking on the BBC politics show added, “They may have won the by-election, but this result will be a massive setback for Alex Salmond and his  campaign for separation. It shows support for the union is rising, and for the SNP is falling. Salmond should be deeply worried about the referendum next year.”

Someone from the SNP said something stupid about the by-election not being anything to do with the referendum, which is clearly nonsense as the only policy the SNP had is separation.

Scenario 3:  SNP win with increased majority (NB, this is not going to happen but just in case)

Fears of “intimidation” raised as SNP win local by-election

The SNP managed to hold onto its prized seat in Donside yesterday. It was a vital seat for the separatists to hold, as losing it would have mean losing their Holyrood majority, so they were always going to throw everything including the kitchen sink at securing a win. However there are questions being asked today about just how far the separatists were willing to go to win in Aberdeenshire. One voter claimed he had been “intimidated” by SNP canvassers who threatened him by saying if he didn't vote SNP, “that Labour guy Willie Young might get in.” This is a disgusting tactic and there must be question marks over whether a by-election fought under such threats can be taken seriously.

One thing is clear, the by-election had nothing to do with the referendum on separation. Defeated Labour candidate, Willie Young said, “it was absolutely clear people were voting on local issues and local issues alone. And Labour has not been successful in communicating what we've done for Aberdeen over the past few decades, or highlighting the fact the SNP haven't managed to fix our legacy in the past two years. On the doorsteps, people were telling us they were absolutely pro-unio, against separation and also fully behind Labour. Though perhaps our policy of never speaking to any bastirt who's a separatist or doesnae vote Labour might affect that a wee bit."

Tavish Scott from UKOK, talking to the Donside Advertiser said, “Obviously we are disappointed, especially at the low showing of the Lib Dems. However this campaign was never about separation, but about the vision of various parties for the Donside area. The SNP may have won this by-election, but Alex Salmond would be daft to take this as anything but local people voting on silly wee local issues.”

Despite this, it is clear the pro-union campaign must be on their guard for the kind of tactics that were employed here show how far the separatists can sink when they really want to win. If there are threats and intimidation in the separation campaign, such as “if you don't vote Yes you'll still be run by Westminster,” these must surely be stamped on, and hard.

Someone from the SNP said something about the by-election showing support for them was still strong and the Better Together message was not resonating with voters, which is clearly nonsense as a local by-election has no relevance at all to the referendum next year and certainly can't be taken as showing support for the separatists except in the deluded dreams of Dictator Eck.

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