By Unpaid Intern, Our Holding the Fort With No Resources Idiot

Gee! I get to write an article, summarising today's news, and publish it, because all the bosses are away. I just need to stick to their guidelines about how to interpret the headlines.

Scottish Unemployment Continues to Fall

Under the glorious Union, England has generously exported 6,000 jobs to Scotlandshire and Northern Ireland while these provinces could only create another 5,000 jobs of their own. The noble English ex-workers said "We are happy to lose our jobs to those in other parts of the UK, because the wonderful Union gave them governments of their own to run their affairs better than the t*****s at Westminster. In fact, we're getting on our bikes to join them."

Separatist Executive Subsidies Wind

No surprise there then! Salmond wastes resources, better spent on selling arms to Syria, on providing energy to provide jobs and save the planet. We mustn't risk having such dangerous ideas in charge of a separate Scotlandshire!

Scottish Courts to Close

If some 19th century courts have to close, because of the need to limit the pocket money that the Separatist Executive are generously given by the Treasury, then thnk how much worse it would be if the Scotch kept all of their money, but got no bonus from rUK? There would be no courts, but the court of King Eck, and lawlwessness would engulf the land.

Glasgow's Matheson "not a criminal"

Police Scotland have been unable to find any evidence of criminality in the way that Glasgow's SLAB leader mishandled the George Square revamping process. An unnamed police source said "Gordon is a really nice guy, and we couldn't find anything unusual in the way that he handled things compared with his predecessors. Since none of them were done for fraud or similar activities, it follows that Gordon can't have done anything bad either."

Labour's Tom Harris - Frontbench position "beyond me"

Glasgow South MP Tom Harris resigned his Shadow DEFRA Minister post saying that he hadn't realised that DEFRA was basically just a Ministry for English Rural Affairs. "I tried to have an affair with a local Tory farmer's daughter, when I was at school, but she found me to be inadequate as well. I'm sure that everyone will be impressed by my stating the reason for my resignation as 'wanting to spend more time with my family' Like the Hitler spoof which cost me my job last time, that is a wholly original reason which no one has used before."

Scots un

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