By Trebor Royal, Our Military Correspondent

Glasgow has been awarded the honour of being chosen as the focal point for the beginning of activities to mark the centenary of the start of the Great War.

The conflict, in which an entire generation was slaughtered, was fought to ensure that Britons, not Germans, would rule the rest of the world, thus removing the need for any future conflict.

This would be the ‘war to end all wars’ as no upstart would dare to challenge British superiority ever again.

Its outbreak has been deemed by U-KOK head Alastair Darling and Imperial Prime Minister David Cameron as an excellent time to re-create the patriotic British Imperial fervour of the time.

"Nothing is more important", said Cameron, "than my poncing around the world telling everybody what to do. Ensuring that the UK still exists as a single entity to rule the world tomorrow, as it does today is almost as important as my remaining Tory leader".

“Amusingly”, said Darling, “the outbreak of the Great War was the beginning of the great British propaganda machine that converted total lies into real public beliefs that we still use today! Without that imperial history we would have had to create the whole thing from nothing – which is actually how we still create our scare stories. Tradition is a wonderful thing. We are looking at resurrecting the stories of Belgian nuns being stripped, raped and crushed in cathedral bells when they were tied to the clappers, and blaming it on the SNP. However, our allies in the Orange Order and the SDL think it would be a mistake to accuse the SNP of something they think is quite a good idea.”

Revisionist historians believe the war was unnecessary. "Germany simply wanted parity and 'a place in the sun'", said Kraut-loving, Brit hating, Scotch historian Luke Atrafacts. "An equitable share of sun loungers, or just removing their bloody towels, would have served just as well."

The celebrations begin on the day the Commonwealth Games end: a firm reminder to the separatists that Westminster is still in control of their cities. It is hoped the leaders of the Commonwealth states – except any of those who may in the past have shown separatist tendencies (actually, that’s all of them) – will stay to help us all celebrate!

Many of those countries sent their sons to die for the glory of the Empire, and pretend that their need to control their own affairs stems from their realisation that Westminster just used them as cannon fodder for its own glory from that date. There are many reasons why they will be proud and honoured to be asked, and to participate. U-KOK is unconcerned as to what those reasons may be, as they will receive no publicity in Scotlandshire.

A special service will be held to thank God for the success of the Empire and will be followed by a ceremony in George Square, which will by then be re-vamped. The design of the new square is being drawn up by Gordon Matheson himself to save the expense and embarrassment of any further consultation and tender bids.

It is believed to be based on a design which includes a large painted union jack replacing the red square, with the words, “f**k they SNP bastirts” painted to be read from all four routes through which Matheson George Square can be entered.

A spokesperson for Glasgow Council said, “This is a wonderful honour for our city and I know Glaswegians will be delighted to participate in celebrating the role both Britain and our fine city played in this conflict.

Glasgwegians are extremely proud of their hard won freedoms, for example the freedom the council enjoys to ride roughshod over the wishes and needs of our electorate, freedom to keep sectarianism alive when it should have died out generations ago, freedom proudly to be the city with the worst health and mortality records in the developed world.

Hard won freedoms many in the separatist camp wish to take away from us, given half a chance! Glasgow Labour also values the contribution of their city to the imperial wars in which we proudly fought alongside (or often against) the inferior peoples of the Empire”.

However, Brigadier Digby-Amatwit, a UKIP EU candidate for Scotlandshire expressed consternation about “those bloody Jocks” being awarded such an honour. “Sadly,” he said, “the contribution of Glasgwegians to the war effort was somewhat less than honourable. Don't get me wrong, I am as proud a Scot as any son of a Lord who inherited three Islands and thousands of acres of land in this God-forsaken hell-hole. But during the First World War Glasgow was one of the leading anti-war cities. It was a place seething with socialist leftie peaceniks and the emerging Red Clydeside nonsense of which today's Labour party is rightly so ashamed. To take one example: Lloyd George was invited by the City of Glasgow to receive the freedom of the city. This was met not with the fawning adoration with which one of one's betters should be greeted, but with violent protests. In the end, poor old Lloyd George was advised not to come to Glasgow for fear his visit may provoke a revolution! This is simply disgusting, and a travesty of freedom of speech. When a major UK politician is unable to step foot in Scotland for fear of racist mobs of scum, what is the world coming to? I mean, what was the world coming to...back then? Thank goodness that's all changed now is all I can say and politicians have sacked all such “advisers”.”

Fired up with a desire to gloat, BBC Scotlandshire contacted a number of separatist organisations for comment. Few responded apart from one feminist socialist organisation. Their spokesperson,  Divya Wantsom, believed to have been one of the many who slept with (or through the speeches of) Tommy Sheridan before falling out with him, called the move “interesting”. She then went on to endlessly quote feminist rubbish about the role of the Glasgow feminist movement at that time.

The clearly deluded wee socialist wifey talked of demonstrations, rent strikes, public meetings and painted a picture of a radicalised  movement of both socialists and women fighting against not only the war for Empire, but the injustice of the state and its relentless pro-war propaganda, and the lack of votes for women.

BBC Scotlandshire has printed details of her rant only so readers can chuckle at the sheer idiocy of the idea both that women would be politically active, and that the British state would produce propaganda rather than tell the unvarnished truth at all times. It took only 5 minutes on the phone to an ex-Solidarity colleague, who has also slept with (or through the speeches of) the nippy-sweety, to confirm she is a raving lunatic worthy only of derision.

Secretary of State for Scotlandshire, Michael Moore, said, “these celebrations will be fantastic for Britain and Britishness. It will be in a spirit of togetherness we happily remember all those who died hideously in muddy trenches in Europe, or were sent over the top to their deaths by a British establishment that cared – and still passionately cares – about Britain and ensuring its place in the world, its strength in the world, is secured for ever. It is precisely that Britain, and that strength, we in the NO camp are fighting for still today, and will continue to fight for – as well as the huge financial benefits that we get from staying in the Union. Such a shame that you lot don’t get a share of that.”

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Related Articles

BBC in Scotlandshire : Glasgow to host Commonwealth World War I centenary service

Wikipedia : Weltpolitik

Wikipedia : Wellington House (War Propaganda Bureau)

Strathclyde University : Radical Glasgow : First World War peace movement

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