Alistair is the Darling of the Tory Conference

By Guy ZabungOur Parliamentary Corresponden 

darling jack

U-KOK head, Alistair Darling has emerged as hot favourite to become the next leader of the Scottish Conservatives, say top pundits 'Political Betting', who have given the ex-chancellor odds of 2/5 to succeed beleaguered Ruth Davidson as Scotlandshire's top Tory.

The other main contenders for the McTory leadership are Murrdurr Fraser MSP (evens), ex-minister for tweed Brian Wilson (10/2), SDL spokesbigot Ian Amsay Smart (7/1) and U-KIP top tit Niggle Farage (100/1).

Ms Davidson, niece of the acclaimed Labour MP Ian Davidson, is under increasing pressure to resign as Scots Tory leader following her refusal to confirm once and for all that no further powers will ever, ever, ever be devolved to the Scottish 'parliament' in Holyrood.

Davidson has blocked a conference debate on the subject stating that, “This could cut across the excellent work that Lord Strathclyde is doing in pushing all such discussion beyond September 2014. And worse still, there is a danger that this could show up policy differences between this party and our partners in the campaign to save our beloved careers lobbying fees union.

According to Lord Strathclyde – who is the current feudal overlord of the people of Greater Glasgow - there is a real danger of a split opening up over this issue within the dependence camp.

strathclyde

His pulchritudinous Lordship told this reporter, “I wasn’t ewected to the House of Lawds to empowah the people of Scotlandshah, and I shan’t staht now. That said, I was never ewected to anything, but that’s the beauty of the feudal system, is it not?

“Howevah, we Toe-wees must be awfu-wee kay-ful not to make any powicee statements on this mattah. Efteh awl, Wooth was elected on a cweah pwatfom of no new powahs foah the Scottish pally-mint, but this is quite out of step with the stated views of ouah pahtnahs.

“In pah-tiku-lah, the Lay-bah pahtee favahs some powahs being wetunned to West-minstah, with the wemaindah  being devolved futhah to Lay-bah-contwolled councils. And while this pawicee seems eminently sensible, it diffahs fwom official Toe-wee powicee.

“Our pawicee states that, while all devolution to Scotland-shah was once vewy, vewy bad indeed, it is now so abso-wutewy wondah-ful that it must nevah again be altah’d in any way what-so-evah. It can be summed up as 'buttah togethah, but no jam tomowoah'.

Now, get out of the way. You ah obscuwing the panowamic view fwom my confewence hotel woom!”

On Sunday, Alistair Darling will address the Scottish Conservative and Unionist conference in Stirling at a fringe meeting entitled “Why I would be a better top Tory than that swivel-eyed separatist loon, Corporal Murrdurr Fraser.”

darling western islesThe part-time Labour MP has recently returned from a Faragesque visit to Stornoway where he was completely ignored by local separatists in a particularly vile, rude and aggressive manner.

He had been widely expected to use his visit to unveil the long-awaited 'Positive case for the union' but, sadly seemed to have left it at home. This is an easy mistake to make when you have four homes and cannot remember which is your main one.

At the Tory conference, Darling will argue he is more in tune with Tory policy than any current Conservative MSP.

He will point to his record as Labour chancellor of increasing inequality and child poverty while promoting bank deregulation and bankers’ bonuses, a record unequalled even in the Thatcher years.

He will also remind delegates that it was his and Gordon Brown’s inaction following the failure of Northern Rock, and the consequent damage to the UK economy, which paved the way to the Tories being elected in 2010.

He will say, “Since being given the U-KOK top spot, no-one has worked more tirelessly to deny self- determination to the people of Scotlandshire. In an entirely positive way, I have made it abundantly clear how dreadful a separate Scotlandshire would be

“Until I pointed it out to them, Scots were unaware that they would be denied Beatles songs in a separate Scotland – those will be somebody else’s to enjoy. Nor did they realise that their Grannies in England will become foreigners which, as we Tories know so well, is the single worst thing that can happen to a person.

“It was also me who pointed out that, while separation is a one-way process which can never be reversed, monetary union with the rUK, while eminently sensible for both parties, will inevitably lead back to political union, making me look like a complete twat.

“Of course, as a trained lawyer, I am more than happy to argue whatever brief I am paid to advocate. I believe I have demonstrated true Tory credentials by my willingness to sell out my own country for no more than a vague promise of ermine. I see myself as the man who is completing what the Great Lady Thatcher began”

imperial sofaIan Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee on Westminster Accolytes Notoriously Keeping English Rights over Scotland, said:

“Ma wee niece Ruthy’s daein’ a fine joab o' keepin they uppity Scots Tories in check, but big Ally wid be even better at it – he's aye at it, that wan.

“Fur wan thing, we’d never miss um in Westminster cause he’s nivver here. An fur another, he’s a master o' the casual fiddle – he flips better than a Russian gymnast. We kid dae wi a man like that tae keep the flow o' freebies and loabby fees comin’ in.

“Well, ah’m aff tae write a couple o' parliamentary questions oan behalf o' ‘Weil, Stuffed and Sated’, manufacturers o' fine reclining furniture.”

Current co-leader of the Tories in Scotlandshire, Johann Lamont, was unavailable for comment. As a Labour politician, it would be unprofessional of her to adopt an opinion on any unscripted matter until a suitable level of remuneration has been agreed.


Related Articles

Newsnet Scotland : Davidson’s commitment to more powers questioned as Scottish Tory leader blocks debate

Newsnet scotland : Better Together head Darling's Tory conference visit ridiculed by SNP

Telegraph : Ruth Davidson prevents 'extra powers' debate at Scottish Tory conference

BBC London : Lobbying claims: Two peers suspended, one resigns


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