By Sly Youngman, Our Undercover Reporter

Panicked Tory MP's checked themselves into 'Private' NHS England Hospitals after being told by the SNP they had been "impaled by their own arguments", following calls from Lord Lawson for the UK to leave the EU.

In a show of exactly how we are all ‘Better Together’ as one UK union team, Labour health spokes-leech Jackie Baillie hit out at the scare tactics by branding the SNP scares a waste of taxpayers’ money looking for impaled arguments on perfectly healthy Tory Grandees.

The stooshie began when Lord Lawson argued that the benefits of a UK departure from the EU "would substantially outweigh the costs"

Lawson asserted that the benefits would be to the London City Casino Banking industry by preventing regulation and a transaction tax from damaging our glorious square mile that has given us all so much.

The costs would only be to areas that manufacture products, provide services, export goods, have tourism, farm, fish or produce petrochemicals. As such "the case for exit is clear."

The SNP separatists were under the impression that saying Scotlandshire couldn’t be independent as it wouldn’t be in the EU was undermined by promoting a referendum on EU membership that would pander to UKIP voters in middle England, whose numerical superiority (along with wall to wall and non-contradictory media coverage – even from BBC London) would guarantee UK withdrawal.

Clearly this is not the case and we at BBC Scotlandshire have delved deeper into the story to ensure you, the public are properly and biasedly informed.

The former Conservative Chancellor is the most senior Conservative to have come out openly in favour of a UK withdrawal from the EU in response to the UKIP challenge.

Despite UKIP only polling 0.28% in local elections in Scotlandshire (2012), the party have pulled away in England and polled over 24% of votes in the 2013 elections.

UKIP, which also advocates the abolition of the Scottish Parliament, is hopeful the party's success in England means that the main UK parties will be forced to make accommodations to UKIP policies in an attempt to prevent the party eating into their electoral bases.

It has already been widely rumoured that just such a ‘concession’ will be made if the Independence Referendum returns a ‘Yes’ vote, by immediately disbanding Holyrood and imposing martial law… to ward off immigrants… err…

The SNP however, continue to be adamant that Mr Lawson's article has increased pressure on anti-separation campaigners by highlighting contradictions in claims made by Alistair Darling, U-KOK head.

Mr Darling and the pro-dependency campaign have repeatedly claimed that one of the key benefits of Scotlandshire being part of the United Kingdom is its place in the European Union. However, the recent moves from senior Conservatives to adopt policies designed to attract wavering Conservative voters who are attracted by the anti-EU party UKIP make it clear that Scotlandshire cannot guarantee continuing EU membership by voting to remain a part of the UK in 2014.

However Alistair Darling hit back at the claims saying:

“We all know that you learn by mistakes and it has to be said that Lord Lawson has made quite a few...

“From presiding over the ‘re-allocation’ of Scottish Oil receipts to the South East of England as Chancellor in order to fund Londonshire infrastructure projects; to enacting economic policies that destroyed manufacturing, mining, steel working, ship building, and much of our other heavy industry in Scotlandshire during the 80’s; to being responsible for a massively overheating Southern Economy that required 14% interest rates that crippled Scottish business and had home owners handing back their house keys in their thousands; backing entry to the ERM to be part of the Euro, leading to the Black Wednesday pull out and massive economic collapse of the UK economy - all of which were undertaken in the best interests of the UK as a whole – which had the net effect of making people in Scotland think twice about Tory economic policies in the 90's, a view I disagree with.

I would right now be cutting deeper and harder than Thatcher ever did with Lawson at her side!

“That adds up to A LOT of learning from mistakes and means that when I hear that Lord Lawson thinks that we should sacrifice all industry outside of London Banking in order to ensure that they don’t suffer a transaction tax – in the best interests of the UK as a whole - how can anyone question that position given the person and experience that backs it up?”

The SNP’s Dave Thompson MSP disregarded the claims of benefiting the whole UK as “utter mince” before noting that:

“The Tories started the destruction of fishing when Ted Heath's Westminster Government sold out our fishing industry in negotiations to enter the European Economic Community in the 1970s. The callousness of their approach was revealed in a memo from senior civil servants that described our fishing communities as "expendable". That is why the people who live in places such as Lossie no longer vote Tory.”

Thompsons argument seemed to be holding up to scrutiny when Lord Willoughby de Broke (Ed – is this a piss take name? SY – No that’s really his name!) came to his defence:

“Britain's fishermen have been particularly harshly treated under this policy. That is borne out by documents released recently under the 30-year rule, in particular a Scottish Office memorandum dated 9th November 1970 which says of British fishermen (most of whom happened to be Scottish – purely coincidentally by the way) that, in the wider U.K. context, they must be regarded as expendable’.

"That is very nice for British fishermen to hear, I am sure!”

Boris Johnson waded into the debate by chastising the SNP as not knowing what they want:

“Clearly the SNP are keen on being in the EU or else they wouldn’t be up in arms about us trying to leave, so logically speaking the destruction of Scottish Fishing to get entry was definitely in the best interests of the UK as a whole… well at the time anyway before they wanted to put curbs on our glorious banking industry.

“It now seems prudent that we listen to the concerns of those fishermen from the 1970’s and withdraw from the EU to save their industry… the percentage of it that’s left anyway… it really is all about the fishing and not making sure bankers get massive bonuses they can pay to the Tory party…”

“This is all about making sure we do what is in the best interests of the UK as a whole.

“I'm making the argument to the Treasury that a pound spent in Croydon is far more of value to the country than a pound spent in Strathclyde. You will generate jobs in Strathclyde far more effectively if you invest in parts of London.”

Clearly, therefore, the separatists at the SNP have been unable to convince this BBC Scotlandshire reporter of their claims of ‘impalement by facts’ and seem unsure whether they even want separation given they don’t back an EU pull out – very strange for these insular and racist sorts to want to interact with foreigners.

We will of course continue to work in BBC Scotlandshire to inform the public in the best interests of the UK as a hole.

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