By Newt Reeno, Our Intergalactic Correspondent

The 'Alien Shape-Shifting Body Parts Say Yes! Campaign' has provided a transcript of the final broadcast of "Big Brian's Debate" hosted by one-time Head of Bias at BBC Scotlandshire and now political editor for spoof channel ‘BBC in Scotlandshire’ Brian Taylor, that was/will be broadcast in the week before the referendum.

We cannot vouch for its authenticity, as it comes from a foul separatist source. However, Lamont expert Izzy Fraser (found guilty of anti-social behaviour, and sentenced to listen to an endless loop of Lamont speeches for 3 months as part of her political re-education programme) said, "That's pure Lamont. Every, cadence, construction, confusion and crap sounds exactly right."

TRANSCRIPT

Brian Taylor: “Welcome to The Debate with me, Big Brian Taylor.

"Only six days to go - the referendum is almost here, folks. We have all the detail now that we’ll get from both sides of the issue, yet the polls still show a significant number of undecided voters.

"To try and set everything out clearly for Scots we are hosting a series of debates featuring the leaders of political parties across the land.

"Today, in the slaughter hoose in Auchenshoogle, we have deputy leader of the SNP Nicola Sturgeon, and Labour leaderene in Scotland Johann Lamont. Welcome.”

Sturgeon: “Hello.”

Lamont: “(panicking) Where's my earpiece? I can't go on air without an earpiece...!”

Taylor: “Let us get right into the debate. Johann Lamont, let’s begin with you. We’ve discussed in the past particular issues regarding Trident, the currency, the EU, but let’s look at the general issue.

"Outline for us why you think Scotlandshire should remain part of the UK.”

Lamont: “Well, one of the things I have said – this is obviously a big question that people raise more generally – I’m very interested in the work that’s been done at a UK government level, to look at whether there is an alternative to that, and I think we should look at that report when it comes out. Because nobody, I mean, I can see why…”

Taylor: “Sorry, let me stop you there, which report are you referring to?”

Lamont: “Er, the report, the report on the general outline of what the SNP say will happen after the vote. I think that is really important to see. And I also think that we need to…”

Taylor: “Are you talking about the White Paper the Scottish government released in autumn 2013?”

Lamont: “Er, what I have said is…”

Taylor: “(Holding the White Paper in his hand) Because if that’s the report you’re talking about, it’s right here. It was released almost a year ago.”

Lamont: “What I said, what I said, er, what I said was that obviously, and we need to have a debate about this, is the report which outlines why the SNP can’t guarantee…”

Taylor: “I apologise Johann Lamont, I must have been mistaken – you are actually referring to the monthly UK government reports on the feasibility of separation?”

Lamont: “I…I…I think we must see all reports when they are available, take them all together, and have a debate…”

Taylor: “(Holding a pile of reports in his arms) Because if they are the reports you’re talking about, they're all here. All reports, from both the UK government and Holyrood, have been released. There are no reports left to come out. The referendum is next week.”

(Nicola Sturgeon shakes her head sadly, and takes a sip of coffee.)

Lamont: “Well, I don’t think these things are, are false.

"I think it’s almost like a false choice you present there. I think it’s part of a process that, how do you, so I want to look at, y’know, what’s the affordability of that, is there an alternative to that, because that might then aid the debate around, erm, the debate.”

Taylor: “Which debate are you referring to?”

Lamont: “Y’know, the debate we will need to have with the people of the world, and other, em, people, to make sure the false choice is falsified, in a, in a, in an obvious way.”

Taylor: “Johann Lamont, we are in a debate now. You are in a debate now. This will be your last debate before the referendum…”

Lamont: “Exactly, we must call for that debate and have that debate and when we do that…”

Taylor: “We’re doing it NOW, Johann Lamont, THIS is the debate. You can’t call for a debate that you’re already partaking in.”

Lamont: “Well, that’s debatable.”

Taylor: “(Exasperated) No it isn’t Johann Lamont! You’re on a radio show called Big Brian Taylor's Debate.”

(Nicola Sturgeon leans back, and takes out a magazine)

Lamont: “I think that it’s, I go back to the same point again, it’s about energy and driving the thing forward and changing the terms of the debate. I don’t think there is, em, anyone in, in Scotland, who, em, would want to close that debate down. I apply first principles like that, as to everything else, let’s test it against the evidence, and not let’s settle for, some of what the false debate around the independence debate, er, is.”

Taylor: “(Sighing) Okay, let’s turn to you Nicola Sturgeon…”

Sturgeon: “(While turning the magazine pages) No, honestly, I think you should give Johann Lamont more time to answer your questions.”

Taylor: “…I really don’t want to do that.”

Lamont: “This is arrogance from Nicola Sturgeon, trying to divert the difficult questions away from her because the anti-UK campaign have no answers.”

Taylor: “Well I can ask…”

Lamont: “No, the BBC have not prodded and probed at the SNP enough during this campaign. Nicola, how can you sit there and push this separation campaign, which has been an expensive waste of time and money, and sit there and refuse to answer the important questions…”

Sturgeon: “I am happy to answer any questions put to me Johann…”

Lamont: “Okay…okay…okay, currency, the Nats have no clue which currency they will use after…”

Sturgeon: “The pound. We will be using the pound.”

Lamont: “…after separation, you can’t tell us if we’ll still get the BBC…”

Sturgeon: “We will.”

Lamont: “You can’t say if we’ll be able to, able to afford pensions…”

Sturgeon: “We will.”

Lamont: “You, you, you can’t admit that we built the NHS together as a United King…”

Sturgeon: “The NHS in Scotland has been independent since inception.”

Lamont: “Yes, yes, but, we’re conclusively more equal as a part of the…”

Sturgeon: “We are the fourth most unequal country in the developed world.”

Lamont: “…More equal as a nation who can provide safety and security to people’s lives with…”

Sturgeon: “Westminster lets thousands die, in energy-rich Scotland, because they can’t afford to heat their homes.”

Lamont: “Well, and you’ve no idea who, umm, who’d pay for North Sea clean-up after the oil runs…”

Sturgeon: “The companies who are contracted to do so.”

Lamont: “Runs…erm, runs out, but, you see, with the best of both worlds, that’s what the UK provides, the best…”

Sturgeon: “The bedroom tax, working in Poundland for nothing, illegal wars, is that the best of both worlds?”

Lamont: “It is clear, it is clear Britain works, you can’t deny…”

Sturgeon: “The Prime Minister has called Britain broken every year since 2006.”

Lamont: “Look, you’re not listening, what I have said is, I’ve said that nationalism is backwards, as history clearly shows, and you just can’t base your political beliefs, you just can’t, base everything you stand for on Mel Gibson standing in a field, in a kilt, yelling ‘FREEEEEDOMMM!’…”

(A loud klaxon goes off and the words "Gibson's Law" flash on a large screen)

Taylor: “Okay Johann Lamont, okay, calm down, you can stop right there. The debate is over.

“I’m sorry Nicola Sturgeon, while in a rational universe, mentioning 'Braveheart' would be conclusive proof that Johann had lost the argument, here at the BBC it means Johann Lamont is the victor. Commiserations.”

(Sturgeon smiles in quiet satisfaction)

 Transcript ends suddenly

---

Related Articles

 

 

---

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.