By R Slicker, Our Internal Affairs Correspondent

We trust that none of our loyal readers ever pollute their screens by logging on to the website of foul separatist blogger, Rev Stu Campbell, entitled "Wings Over Scotland".

In a disastrous and biased attempt to suggest that no one ever visits loyal Unionist sites, the said Rev Campbell omitted BBC Scotlandshire from the list of sites that his few, and mentally unstable, readers could vote for. This use of 'voodoo' polls is a practice that we wholly condemn, and would never do ourselves (though we urge voting early and often in our latest impartially constructed poll).

Our lawyers have written a stiff letter to this 'gentleman', which we confidently predict will have him crying over his Bath Bun, and in our tradition of accurate reportage, we publish it here.

Collier and Shyster
3 Pitbing Lane (above the Chippie)
Auchenshoogle
DunAngusshire
DA37 1FU

Revered Stuart Campbell
Separatist House
3, Separatist Lane
BATH
BA1 FU2

Dear Sir or Madam

Breaches of Scots Law, and traduction of BBC Scotlandshire, by yourself

Our client has instructed us to write to you in connection with an article written by you and published on 24 April 2013 (or on 8 November 1963, Auchenshoogle time) under the heading Who Do You Love? and which is a clear affront to British democracy.

In support of your campaign to tear Scotlandshire from the bosom of the  British Empire and in full knowledge of our client’s consistent opposition to such terrorist intentions, you deliberately, with malice aforethought and afterthought, did publish a poll of supposed popular sites, but wilfully omitted the regional broadcaster for Scotlandshire from its options. This was clearly done so as to wholly mislead your readership and traduce our client’s reputation as the region's foremost provider of accurate news. Indeed, your provocative inclusion of Iain S Smart in your list while omitting our clients was clearly designed to make Unionism look bad.

Additionally, we are of the opinion that your publication has committed grave breaches of several Acts of Scots Criminal Law. Amongst these are hamesucken (sucking up to your supporters) and overlying (the most common crime committed by separatist scum such as yourself).

Our client notes your grovelling apology, after you had been roundly chastised by our loyal readers, and is minded to limit action against you for that reason. Additionally, he is minded to be moderate in his demands since we were so spectacularly unsuccessful in our attempts to claim that another client, Iain Taylor, rape and snake oil salesman of Brechin, had been defamed by your assertions that no oil of reptilian origin was contained in his products. We considered that his association with UKOK was ample proof of reptilian sources.

We have advised our client that, should he wish to take legal action against you, then the costs will be significant. We are unconcerned as to who pays these costs - as lang as it's nae us!

He demands that you make reparation in three ways :-

1. In any future poll, BBC Scotlandshire is given due prominence. Indeed strenuous efforts should be made by yourself to retrospectively include our client's site in your list, and transfer all of Newsnet Scotland's votes to it. This is in line with traditional Scotland on Sunday procedures. In order to encourage compliance, the BBC Scotlandshire Director General has authorised us to offer you a sealed brown padded envelope, contents unknown, but thought to be some kind of folding material that has images of the Queen's head.

2. You must with immediate effect stop all your separatist extremist fans from commenting on, liking, or otherwise using BBC Scotlandshire. Our client is not here for their amusement, entertainment or as a news source suitable for such separatist scum.

3. You immediately cease and desist from ridiculing loyal Unionists by transcribing their actual words. These words are copyright, and were once only utterances, under difficult circumstances, like being asked questions.

You should not publish this letter. Otherwise, we'll thcream, and we'll thcream, and we'll thcream until we're thick.

Yours for Scotlandshire

Collier & Shyster LLB (well nearly)

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