Eric Joyce 'less of a threat' than N Korean missiles

By John Curtand Patronising, The World's Only Polling Expert

fistsIn an astonishing poll of BBC Scotlandshire readers, Eric Joyce's fists were considered to be less of a threat to Scotlandshire than the missiles of that other dictatorship - North Korea.

That can only mean that the supposed resistance to spending obscene amounts of money on renewing Trident is not backed up by popular opinion. Only 2.7% of respondents thought Joyce was the most serious threat and, therefore, supported the Scottish Government's policy of separation from rUK and the cheap booze in the House of Commons.

In contrast, a massive 3.3% felt seriously threatened by Kim Jong-un's nuclear tipped dogburgers. Clearly, that necessitates the ability for Scotlandshire to maintain a nuclear capability to retaliate against any canine-fed threat.

s chaiseObservers of the furniture market had speculated that the Chairchoob's purchase of reclining furniture (for unspecified but assumed purposes of impropriety) might have either seriously damaged or provided a huge boost to the reclining furniture industry. With 8.1% of the population seeing this as a major threat to Scotlandshire, further research is required to ascertain whether this simply represents a jealous minority who have no such marital aids of their own.

15.7% considered that David Cameron's mouth was a significant threat, but deeper analysis of the cross breaks showed that this group was entirely composed of dentists who had bid for, but failed to get, the contract for the "Scottish Labour Dental Improvement Programme".

21.2% felt that Rangers return to the SPL was the greatest problem for Scotlandshire. However, analysts suggest that all of these votes were cast by Charles Green and Craig Whyte, who had entered into a compact to ensure that bad publicity and controversy would mean their ultimate return to power, and a return for them on other people's cash.

49% were adamant that the Scotsman was the greatest danger. When we combine that group with the 3.3% concerned about North Korea, that produces an absolute majority for a pre-emptive strike on North Korea, the Johnston Press - or both.

Since neither of them give me lucrative contracts to comment on polls, the latter is clearly the ideal policy decision that the Scottish Government should take.

BBC Scotlandshire has a new poll for you to vote on, and for me to get yet another fee for analysing. Please vote early and often.


 

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