By Fawn Ancurtsy, Our Worshipping Correspondent

A Special Cut out and Keep edition - "that we don't forget her legacy" - Part II

Further disruption at Auchenshoogle Funeral Wednesday, 17 April 2013 09:47

Arrangements for the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty were further disrupted when her family protested at the musical arrangements.

"Fit the f**k are they on aboot?" asked BB Captain Airchie McPhillamy. "They said they winted the National Anthem an' that's whit they got. Oor Pipe Band kens twa anthems - 'Flooer o' Scotland' an 'We hate Jimmy Hill'. The bastirts didnae wint either o them. If they winted the f**kin English anthem, they kid hae brocht in an English baund. Mind you, ma wee lads wid hiv got stuck intae them, if they'd tried tae pollute the braw air o Auchenshoogle wi that crap."

McClumpherty's daughter-in-law, Mrs Emilia Livvininclover was incandescent. "I'm incandescent", she told our reporter.

Transport crisis at Auchenshoogle Funeral Wednesday, 17 April 2013 10:48

Plans for the ceremonial transport of the coffin ofMrs Philomena McClumpherty to the Kirk  today were thrown into turmoil when Andy Ecclefechan's dung cairt failed to appear on time.

"Ah hid a choice", confessed Ecclefechan "as tae which load o' shite tae get intae the grun the day. It wis a nae brainer. Ma coo's sharn 'll dae mair guid tae the land than ony deid Tory. Nae that ah've onything agin deid Tories."

McClumpherty's cousin, Lord Makkem Puke, was incandescent. "I'm incandescent", he told our reporter.

Fortunately, crisis was averted by Sandy Steenhive, the knacker. "Ye kin use ma cairt", he said generously, "ah jist finished takkin a couple o stirks that died o brucellosis tae the beefburger plant, bit the femily'll need tae pey tae get the cairt fumigated efter cerrying her, or the plant'll no let me bring ony mair diseased beasts tae them."

Outrage at Auchenshoogle Funeral Wednesday, 17 April 2013 11:51

Mourners at the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty were shocked when her neighbour, Miss Netta McLafferty appeared at the funeral sober. "A'body else wis decently oot o' their skulls on Buckie" said McClumpherty's nephew, Giles Fortescue-Smythe Conservative MP for Blandings South, "when Netta arrived, hirplin' in a stracht line. Shocking behaviour, and against a' tradition in Auchenshoogle."

Reverend Willie Fawdoon, the least inebriated at the ceremony, described how Netta made a beeline for the grave waving a pair of Union Jack Y-fronts in the air.

"Ye pentit Tory hoor" she shouted. "Ye thocht Angus wis Better Thegither wi you, fan ye wheedled him awa wi yer promises o' a wheen o' pocket money fae yer faither. Bit Angus aye likit his independence, an kent there wis mair houghmagandie ower the wa'. Ah' wis shaggin Angus ilka nicht since 1935.

"Ye kin hae his knickers back - he drappit them richt quick fan he saw ma resources!"

Fortescue-Smythe reported that the family were incandescent (though not surprised) by the revelation. "They are incandescent", he told our reporter.

Wullie Rennie Exorcism blacks out Edinburgh Wednesday, 17 April 2013 12:27

Shocked Edinburgh residents reported that, as the Wullie Rennie exorcism rites reached a climax, there was an explosion and half the city lost all power.

"Send for the candles" tweeted SLAB MSP Kezia Dugdale, desperately, "Johann normally leaves me in the dark, but this is terrifyingly different."

Professor of Paranormal Inactivity at Edinburgh University said, "I'm afraid this is what happens when you let Lib Dems anywhere near power of any kind. A lot of excitement and running around, then absolutely nothing."

Conservative leader in Scotlandshire said angrily, "I think was a despicable and deliberate attempt by the separatists to cut off power to the giant TV screens in Princes St Gardens, showing live coverage of the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty to the vast throngs of her supporters. Both of them will be disappointed."

Animal Cruelty at Auchenshoogle Funeral Wednesday, 17 April 2013 12:49

The Auchenshoogle branch of the SSPCA asked for urgent investigation by Brechin inspectors, after being shocked by events at the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty.

As the coffin was being lowered into the grave, a frantic knocking was heard from the coffin. Shocked villagers feared that the lady (known locally as "pentit Tory hoor") might still be alive, and urged that the grave be filled in as fast as possible.

However, incomer to Auchenshoogle and animal activist Fowk R Crapp insisted that the coffin be opened since he recognised the rapping to be the rhythm used by American rapper, Squidge the Grey Squirrel. When the coffin was opened to reveal Mrs McClumpherty in her mink coat, an embarrased Squidge leapt out, blushing furiously.

Crapp explained that Squidge was unable to find a mate among Auchenshoogle's Red Squirrel population and mistook the mink coat for a potential mate. "Given his new colour, he should have no problem now!"

McClumpherty's heir, the Dishonourable Marmaduke Phipps was incandescent at the delay to getting the cash. "I am incandescent" he told our reporter.

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