By Fawn Ancurtsy, Our Worshipping Correspondent

A Special Cut out and Keep edition - "that we don't forget her legacy" - Part III

Fury over Internet McClumpherty jokes Wednesday, 17 April 2013 17:46

The family of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty erupted in fury when they learnt of the disgusting series of jokes circulating on the internet about the great lady.

Some shocking examples of these are -

I was all for a lavishly funded public cremation for McClumpherty. Right up until she died

Philomena McClumpherty’s final wish was to be cremated. Unfortunately, we’ve no coal left.

Plans have begun for Philomena McClumpherty’s funeral. It’ll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin.

The BBC’s report mentioned that McClumpherty had dementia and was unable to remember many of her great achievements. Funny, I couldn’t remember any either.

McClumpherty's final words "Now Cameron has finally given the disabled and the poor the kicking they deserve, I can rest"

When I realised Philomena McClumpherty was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "F**king brilliant!"
Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.
Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene.

McClumpherty’s nurse, Miss Coodnae Staun-Theauldhag, said the family were distressed and incandescent with rage. "They are incandescent", she told our reporter.

Scots Tories protest in London Wednesday, 17 April 2013 13:43

A dissident group of Tories from Scotlandshire have been roundly condemned for mounting a political protest in London against the destruction of their cause by English Tories, when they should have been paying homage to Mrs Philomena McClumpherty.

Edinburgh Council Tory leader White Rose,  Conservatives chair Mark Time and Tory activists "Mr & Mrs Smith"  travelled overnight by privatised train, before trying to find a spot to view proceedings along the three-mile route that the heavily guarded coffin will travel in an attempt to avoid protestors.

"That bitch* completely destroyed right wing extremism in Scotlandshire", said Rose, "so we felt it right to state that publicly to the f**king English".

Unfortunately, the protesters failed to realise that the route was crowded by ordinary hard-working English families whose only regret was that they had ever heard of Scotlandshire.

Locals in Tower Hamlets looked on in bemusement, as the Scots unfurled their Scotland on Sunday provided flags in the Tesco Express on Burdett Road.

* We believe "that bitch" to be a reference to one of America's poodles who is getting a ceremonial burial down there. See the English and dugs!

Bassey explains why she is at London gig not McClumpherty funeral Wednesday, 17 April 2013 14:52

Dame Shirley Bassey released a statement in response to criticism that she was attending the funeral of a minor dignitary in Westminster, instead of that of Unionist luminary Mrs Philomena McClumpherty.

"Most of my repertoire relates to the spending of Scotlandshire's Oil revenues", she said. While Mrs McClumpherty only bought the occasional can of WD 40 in the General Store, Westminster bought the destruction of all manufacturing with Scotlandshire's Oil. I am honoured to be asked to sing Big Spender in St Paul's in memory of that..

"Of course, most of my other songs relate to Westminster and Scotlandshire's Oil. These include As Long as She Needs Me : Burn My Candle : Get the Party Started : History Repeating : I (Who Have Nothing) : I Get a Kick Out of You : I Will Survive : I'll Get By (As Long as I Have You) : If You Go Away : Light My Fire : The Nearness of You : Non, je ne regrette rien : The Party's Over : Pennies from Heaven : Time After Time : Who Can I Turn To? : World in Union : You'll Never Know : You'll See, as well as my final tribute to her - Losing My Mind."

The McClumpherty family were incandescent. "We are incandescent", they told our reporter.

Why was Salmond not there? Wednesday, 17 April 2013 15:49

Separatist leader Dictator Eck, was condemned as being "disrespectful" to the memory of veteran Unionist Mrs Philomena McClumpherty by attending a knees-up in London instead of being at the funeral in Auchenshoogle.

"It was a hard decision", said Salmond. "McClumpherty did much to persuade the people that no sane person would vote Tory, but I had seen the medical reports and was quite sure she was dead. I needed to check personally that the other one was.

"The deciding issue was when I was told that the Auchenshoogle purvey would be from the Chippie. There's more oil in their haggis suppers than in the Brent field and Moira has banned me from having anything other than lettuce suppers - wi nae chips.

"However, the First Minister's Office is represented by a Modern Apprentice Secretary, whose auntie bides in Auchenshoogle."

McClumpherty's second cousin and part-owner of the holding company to which the Chippie belongs, Iain Taylor, a snake and rape oil salesman in neighbouring Brechin was incandescent about the slight. "I am incandescent", he told our reporter.

“Dictator Eck” © Anas Sarwar

 

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