By Max McCaird our Financial Correspondent

Prime Minister David Cameretonian has confirmed that the Conservatives are to launch their own convention in response to Labour's recent announcement of a CalMac commission on devolution. To be titled HMS (Haufairsed Measure for Scotching) Constitutional Change, the Conservatives say that their constitutional banana boat will be a far classier affair than Labour's plebby parochial ferry, and will examine all aspects of devolution, except those that Dave has ruled out - which is pretty much everything.

Unlike previous commissions on devolution, the Conservative convention will concentrate on the really important aspect of Scotchshire devolution, how it affects Conservative MPs with constituencies in South East England. The convention will look at ways to reduce the influence of Scotlandshire within Westminster, and making sure that the Jocks are slapped down and learn their place within the unitary state.

A spokesnob for the Conservatives confirmed that devolution had knock-on effects in Englandshire which had to be considered, and said:

"All this Scotch devolution malarky is dreadfully tedious, it even came up for discussion at a recent cheese and whine party held by the Tory Indefatigable Thatcherites Society. We were prevented from discussing serious business, such as how the Government should be aiding cash-strapped investment bankers during these difficult economic times.

"We feel very strongly that Scotchshire benefit junkies only get their free deep-fried heroin and charabanc travel because hard-working City financial executives are forced to pay a punitive 0.00000000001% tax on their hard-earned bonuses. As a result deserving toffs throughout the Home Counties are having to tighten their belts, or rather their staff's. One of our members had to lay off an under-gardener recently, and another was forced to cut the servants' ration of gruel.

"However we hear from our Jockminions that devolution gets the McPlebs all worked up - they're dreadfully chippy these Celtic types - so we have to make like we're doing something. Sadly EU directives from those meddling Brussels bureaucrats forbid us from sending in the hounds and giving the natives a jolly good thrashing. It's political correctness gone mad.

"But thankfully the trusty peasants of Scotchlandshire will do what their betters tell them. It's what put the Great into Britain."

A high placed source within Jackson Carlaw's colon told our reporter that work on HMS Constitutional Change - a cardboard scale model of an aircraft carrier with no planes - is already far advanced. Design instructions have been downloaded from Blue Peter and Conservative HQ, and the leaky vessel will feature the very best of all things British - including colonialist attitudes, class privilege, paternalistic arrogance, and contempt for the lower orders.

Design features have been carefully thought out, the convention comes complete with lifeboats for 1st class passengers and copious capacity for stowing the oiks in steerage, where they can be kept amused by Murdo Fraser and Jackson Carlaw performing Norn-Oirish folk dancing accompanied by the Larkhall Apprentice boy band, and displays of abseiling from Scotlandshire Conservatives' branch akela, Ruth Action-Krankie. Ms Action-Krankie won last year's Scotlandshire Tory scout leader contest after proving her expertise in plummeting.

Former brownie leader Annabel Goldie is also on board, and will supply tea and scones for Captain Dave's table. Ms Goldie is understood to have already purchased a pair of sensible deck-shoes from Primark, and is expected to advise the convention to wrap up warmly when the nights get a bit nippy.

Laughing off claims by drug fueled nationalists with chips on their shoulders that the convention is simply an empty Westminster ploy to distract voters with a promise of jam, the Conservative spokespolyp insisted that the vessel was entirely created and devised by their dwindling band of Scotchmunchkins, and would have real teeth - just as soon as they could persuade Lord Forsythula to part with his spare fangs.

The spokesintestine added that Ms Action-Krankie sourced the detergent bottles and sticky-backed plastic all by herself, and spent hours creating a lovely union flag made out of a collage of glitter and photos from Kick-Boxing Monthly. In a rare show of confidence, Conservative HQ even gave special permission for her to use a pair of plastic scissors without grown up supervision.

The Conservatives are delighted that the convention will allow the Prime Minister to honour his pledge to "consider" extra powers for Holyrood without actually having to do anything about it. The spokespiles strongly denied claims by sulphurous separatists that the Conservatives had no intention of extending the powers of the Scottish Parliament and insisted that Mr Cameretonian considered extra powers for at least 1 nanosecond before ruling them out.

In a statement released via his burly footman, a spokesprolapse for the Prime Minister said:

"To use the vulgar Scotch vernacular - Aaah yew collin one a liah, pel?"

Powered by a revolutionary new system of smoke and mirrors, HMS Constitutional Hopeless Case is currently propped up on bricks in Ms Action-Krankie's back garden and won't be going anywhere before the independence referendum, or indeed afterwards.

However senior sources within the Conservatives insist the official launch is imminent, as the next door neighbour is threatening to plant a leylandii hedge unless the eyesore is taken to the local tip.

Labour have distanced themselves from the Conservative proposals, insisting that their rudderless CalMac commission has the best chance of deceiving the public.

Labour MP Ian Davidson, chairheidbanger of the Westminster's Scotlandshire Constitutional Rearrangement Oversight Taskforce Ensuring Britishness And Greatness Subcommittee, said:

"By the time this convention reports back, A'll huv ma seat in the Lords, so it's no lik A care. But if thae Tories hink they kin stoap me fae votin oan hings at's purely English, A'll gie thae posh basterts a doin. Eric Joyce wull gie me haunners."

However the Conservatives' coalition partners the Lib Dems have given the convention a cautious welcome. Last Lib Dem standing Wullie Rennie, giving evidence to Holyrood's environmental committee for declaring Lib Dems an endangered species, said:

"Personally I think it will be as successful as a Nick Clegg Fan Club in a students' union. But hey, whit can ye dae, eh?"

Interim Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.

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