By Hans Kleen, Our Dirty Tricks Correspondent 

In a shocking turn of events, which must represent a new low in the history of political campaigning, the separatist campaign has been accused of using vicious, underhand tactics against their opponents.

The fine and upstanding campaign to keep the union has come under sustained, brutal and clearly co-ordinated attack in recent weeks.Most obviously, there have been cybernat smears against one of their largest donors, the Tory businessman, and head of oil company Vitoil - a fine and upstanding international oil company, clean of any allegations of wrongdoing.

However, it was revealed yesterday that this was not the end of the dirty tricks. Separatist terrorists have also been seen binning leaflets produced by the campaign. Better Together spokesSPAD Blair McDougall said, “We have, over recent weeks been reaching out to the people of Scotlandshire, holding events, as part of our debate on how to destroy the separatist menace.

Our friends in the media have been of great assistance with these events, meaning we have photographic and video evidence of people in Scotlandshire – almost certainly part of a coordinated separatist campaign – smiling sweetly and taking a leaflet on Glasgow’s Union Street, only to crumple it up and bin it as soon as they round the corner to Sauchiehall Street.

This is truly despicable behaviour from the Nats, and can only be being done under direct orders from Dictator Eck himself.”

Beyond this, there has also been evidence, via a cybernat post on the social networking technological break-through site Facebook, that materials may also have been ordered in bulk especially to be “recycled”. The Scotlandshire devolved administration, led by the separatists, have an agenda to promote recycling and cut waste, including re-using and re-cycling.

Westminster waste Tsar,  Mal O’Deross yesterday stated, “when you tie all this together, you really don’t have to be paranoid to see this entire “recycling agenda” must be a directed, and coordinated campaign, from the Nats, as evidenced by the Scotlandshire administration picture of Cybernats “re-using” Better Together material they have ordered for the purpose”.

BBC Scotlandshire believes this may be linked to a story we earlier reported about solar powered bins developed purely for the purpose of disposing of Better Together material.

This suspicion was confirmed when BBC Scotlandshire's fearless investigative journalism department uncovered a shady, group known as the Scottish Mutant Ninja Turtles, who refer to themselves as Scotlandshire's National recycling Collective. A Spokesturtle said "Better Together seemed desperate to get rid of these leaflets so we offered to take some off their hands. On reading them, we realised they contained inaccurate claims such as the UK has a triple A credit rating, and Scotlandshire is too wee, too poor and too stupid to be independent. As proud unionists, we felt such falsehoods might come back to bite the No campaign. So we thought we were doing both them and the general public a favour by recycling them before too many people were able to see them. If they wish to stop people taking them, they should probably stop offering them.”

But even worse behaviour has been recorded at public meetings. The Better Together campaign have produced a dossier of evidence to be published in Scotlandshire on Sunday tomorrow, documenting disruption created by separatists at their open public meetings. “People have been turning up at our meetings to save the union,” McDougall complained to the spoof BBC program Newsnicht, "who are clearly not signed up to the Better Together side. We have had cases of people asking questions of our campaign. We know these people must be cybernats, as they ask similar questions, and in a similar tone. Questions such as “but Scotland is a country, so why shouldn’t it be independent?” and “Please can you give us some positive reasons why we are Better Together?”

These people are patently trolls sent and briefed by Salmond himself to ask such questions. “We have even had people attend our public meetings who are very clearly separatists as they turn up with Saltires that haven’t even been doctored, and brazenly admit to being on the Yes side. How can we in Scotlandshire possibly have a debate about the future of our country if such people are turning up and challenging our views or providing a counter-view? These are despicable and desperate tactics from the separatists and they must stop it. Now.

In other cases, MPs on the unionist side of the debate have had nasty tweets sent to them, as reported previously leading to psychological damage, and Better Together have had some of their totally unbiased surveys, such as the one asking, “do you want arch Satan Salmond to lead Scotland into the darkest depths of hell?” sent back with comments scrawled on them which were not entirely polite.

UKOK head Alistair Darling said, “I am barely in Scotlandshire, save for the odd photograph tour so thankfully I am not feeling the full force of these black operations north of the border.

All I can say is it all sounds terribly rude, and I am certain the good, mostly unionist, folk of Scotlandshire will be as disgusted as I am by this impolite kind of behaviour.

For myself, my colleagues in Labour and the Tories, and the Better Together campaign, we comply wholly with the Debrett's 'Etiquette of Political Campaigning' book, in which all parties work together in mutual respect for the benefit of the political classes and elites.

That the SNP is not willing to engage with this usual Westminster etiquette is a source of deep disappointment to all of us here in the Commons, and our friends in the Lords.”

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee for Patronising Oily Lowlife In Terrible English said, "It costs nithin tae be polite, but earns ye nithin either - so ah dinna bother. Noo f**k aff, Ah've a reclining chair that needs a richt guid doin."

“Dictator Eck” © Anas Sarwar

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