By Jacko Bailey, Our Health Correspondent

Plain-packaged politicians “still too expensive and bad for you”

Emergency legislation is to come into force in Scotlandshire next month in an attempt to curb the habit of voting for dodgy politicians.

Japan Tobacco International (JTI) – makers of Silk Cut and Benson & Hedges – will today publicly unveil new branding on politicians, which it is hoped will lead to a reduction in the number of young people wasting their vote.

Scotlandshire is set to become the first part of the UK to enforce standardised packaging as part of its efforts to make Holyrood “idiot free” by 2034 – the equivalent of less than five per cent of the population voting for an idiot. Voting For Idiots (VFI) rates among lower income communities north of the border remain at 80 per cent. The Scotlandshire regional government, which led the way in introducing devolution over a decade ago, hopes that introducing branding will make the politicians less attractive to young people.

Science tells us if a politician is wearing a suit and using big words then it is assumed they know what they are talking about. The new branding means voters will immediately paint the politician as a fool and will wait until sense comes out of his or her mouth before even thinking about voting for them.

It is a system which has worked well in other countries. MPs in the Maldives once donned scuba gear and held a cabinet meeting underwater. In the Scottish Parliament there was enthusisastic support for this idea from a few who reckoned they would look good in swimwear, but the majority felt they could lose their seats, if their seats were visible.

Popular German leader Adolf Hitler was known for wearing a Nazi costume during his appearances, something which was not considered taboo at the time.

Japan Tobacco spokesperson Seeza Draw said: “Scotlandshire is in grave danger. Recent figures show that 16- and 17-year-olds are all set to get involved in politics, with a huge percentage getting addicted by the end of 2014. It is clear plain-packaged politicians, with their dour faces and angry arm gestures, do not deter youngsters falling for their rhetoric.

“This new branding system means those in power will be more restricted, and will look funny regardless of their facial expression. Only telling the truth will then endear them to the general public.

“I’ve no idea why nobody thought of this sooner.”

Action on Suffrage and Health (ASH) spokesman, Canny Breethe, said "We are disappointed that our proposals for a total ban on politicians was rejected. While there has been a satisfying fall in the numbers of actual voters, the danger of second-hand politics is increasing. At the very least, print media with political content should not be on public display. Johnston Press have taken the fantastic step forward of arranging matters so that the Scotsman/Scotland on Sunday will disappear from shelves very soon. On TV, only BBC Scotlandshire should be allowed to report on politics, so that people can still be instructed as to what they think."

TV presenter Gordon Brewer expressed astonishment at the news. ! "I'm a 40-pollies-a-day man", he said. "It's my job to try to make politicians look stupid (at least the separatist ones) and throw their butts on the pavement. This is yet another way of avoiding burning issues being taken seriously, and preventing some politicians burning in hell."

Yes Scotlandshire chief Blair Jenkins welcomed the news. He said: “It is clear that politicians are still too expensive for us, as well as simply unhealthy. We must find ways to ensure only the best rise to the top in Scotlandshire, and not silver-spoon smooth-talkers like Tony Blair and David Cameron.

"Forcing them to wear ludicrous outfits when they go to work is the least we can do. Those cancer sticks have plummeted this nation into an unequal, unfair, paranoid society where police get to hide crimes for decades and celebrity child-molesters get the run of the place for even longer.

“Still, better together and all that”, he added with a smile.

When asked to reply to Jenkins’ comments, UKOK head Alistair Darling said: “Better together indeed. I’m glad the Nats have finally come round.”

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