By Newt Reeno, Our Intergalactic Correspondent 

Scientists at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) centre have been astounded by intercepted messages that appear to show that alien life forms are already on Earth, and seem to have moved in 2010 from a Downing St location to somewhere near the Oval cricket ground in London, with occasional forays into Scotlandshire.

A SETI spokesman said, "We were blown away by this discovery. It was actually all a gigantic joke initially, based on the first attempt to contact aliens having been conducted at Knob Hill. Back in the 60s, students didn't have the easy access to porn that the internet provides now, so the original idea was to try to find pictures of aliens with really huge tits.

"Obviously more advanced life forms would have prioritised mammary enhancement, so we created the Seeking Enormous Tit Implants programme. While human breast implants and tabloid photos filled part of the tittilation gap, we were sure that there were even more massive gazongas somewhere in the universe, so we enlisted the down time on 290,000 home computers to find them. Imagine our disappointment when it seems that aliens do occur in pairs and are too huge for a normal human to carry, but that they aren't what we were looking for."

The revelation about the alien presence on Earth came when US Air Force analysts decoded intercepted transmissions between the Large Magellanic Cloud and parts of Britain. Their Chief Scientist, Dr Mark Maybury, sent the Top Secret decrypts to the UK Government Chief Scientific Adviser, Sir Mark Walport in the hope that the Brits could make something of the cultural clues in them. Staggered by their implications one of Walport's aides leaked them to BBC Scotlandshire, and we publish them here.

 

Date : 4/13/13
From : US Air Force HQ
To Brit Chief Scientist
Message : Alien intercepts

Hi Mark

Here's the intercepts I told you about. It seems to be full of all kinda Limey stuff, which you guys might understand. For Chrissake don't let this leak out, like you Brits usually do.

Mark

 

Stardate : 5643.7
From : [Indecipherable]
To : Editor "Highbrow Guide to the Galaxy"
Subject : You bunch of [Sexual Protuberances?]

You guys got the time settings wrong again! We're in London. Not only is Shakespeare long dead, but London isn't the centre of the world anymore - just a provincial town full of very limited brain cells. Unbelievably, the natives don't even use the letter "h" at the beginning of words, so there's no way we can use our usual method of "fitting in" among these morons. We've shape shifted to attach ourselves to the head of one of the non-natives that seem to rule this place. Hopefully, that will be a way out of this dump, till you organise the escape pod.

 

Stardate : 5659.4
From : [Indecipherable]
To : Editor "Highbrow Guide to the Galaxy"
Subject : You bunch of [Excretory portals?]

Where's that escape pod? We're certainly not better together with this [excretory portal?]! He's a fukkin eejit [??? this term does not translate from any known galactic language]. On our trips on him, we have found an intelligent creature whose ighbrows seem a possibility for us to hide there. We desperately need to get our independence back.

 

Date : 12/4/13
From : Office of the British Chief Scientist
To : American Air Force HQ
Message : Re Alien intercepts

Hi Mark

Don't worry, this secret is absolutely safe in our hands. We have centuries of experience in hiding important information.

My analysis team deduce that the little buggers may have disguised themselves as eyebrows, and have done a photofit of how they might appear. The CIA might be able to run facial recognition software to detect likely candidates

Mark

BBC Scotlandshire is deeply concerned that this alien invasion could instantly transform all our friends and relatives in England into foreigners, and we will never be able to see them, speak to them, or even phone them ever again.

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