By Naemair Waist, Our Environment Correspondent

Scientists have proved that some species of Tories are not just politically toxic in Scotlandshire, but are actually making the environment toxic as well, and are being used to destabilise the Glasgow Commonwealth Games for political purposes, claimed Green MSP Patrick Harvie.

In 2010, David Cameron was desperate to make the Conservative Party seem less offensive to those outside the South East of England and decided to "green" his party. A number of English MPs were injected with specially developed "blue-green" algae designed to make them say things that might appeal to environmentalists, while having no basis in the reality of Tory policies. However, the experiment was soon realised to be a total disaster.

Not only did the genetically altered Tories actually start believing in Green economic ideas, which would destroy Tory fortunes - both financial and political - but they changed appearance and threatened to take over the Tory world.

Stung into rapid action, Cameron used the privatised NHS England to remove the offending material, but was faced with the huge problem of where to dump such dangerous material, which no country in the world would accept.

Caroline Lucas, the English Green MP, reportedly told Harvie that the solution was suggested by Michael Forsyth, who believed that a successful Glasgow Commonwealth Games might tip the balance in favour of a Yes vote in the referendum.

Westminster had already done much to sabotage the Games by diverting Scottish Lottery funding to the London Olympics, and denying the UK funding that the Manchester Games had received, but more was possible.

Despite having no experience whatsoever in any related field, Forsyth volunteered to dump the offending algae in Strathclyde Loch, which had been earmarked for the 1500m open-water swim in the Triathlon. Having failed in Geography at school, and with no sense of direction in any field, he seems to have randomly dumped some into any body of water he came across, in case it was Strathclyde Loch. 

Harvie commented, "Greens are strongly in favour of protecting bio-diversity - but these blue-green algae are nasty little buggers, and are about as much use to humanity as f**cking midges or Tories.

"Immersing yourself in Tory slime can literally kill you. In June last year, 57 of the 70 people who took part in an open-air swim at the loch fell ill with stomach cramps and diarrhoea, with some testing positive for the winter vomiting bug.

"It's going to cost the Games organisers £1.2m to clear it up for the Games."

Asked why a toxic loch was chosen for the Triathlon in the first place, a Glasgow 2014 spokeswoman said: "The water quality problems are not unique to Strathclyde Loch – blue-green algae is a problem in the majority of water spaces in the UK. That bastard Forsyth has a lot to answer for."

In a further development, sources have revealed that the Ministry of Defence were wholly accurate when they claimed that depleted uranium shells were not being "dumped" in the Solway Firth, but "placed" there. They have been unjustly accused of firing the shells randomly through cardboard targets on the cliff tops, with the shells then being dumped where they fell.

In reality, Lord Forsyth of Drumlean was deeply involved in a plan to cause maximum disruption to the "Games Legacy for Dumfries & Galloway Plan" by catching each shell in his teeth as it exited the target, then wading out into the Firth to place each shell so that the maximum radioactivity would disrupt the maritime and coastal environment. It is understood that local MP David Mundell was aware that something was happening with shells in the Solway, but simply assumed that Forsyth was acting as a gang master for "cockling", or "cocking" or something else he didn't understand.

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Herald : £1.2m to make toxic loch safe for 2014

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