By Munnies Ranoot, Our Economics Correspondent 

Alex Salmond has been accused of desperation after it emerged the Scotlandshire Government is conducting experiments in order to grow money on trees.

A leaked dossier published by U-KOK head Alistair Darling reveals that the First Minister believes a separate Scotlandshire would be “a land of milk and honey” and that tradable currency “would grow on trees”.

The report does not currently include those words but they are highly implied, said Mr Darling.

“There are several holes, as usual, in the Nationalist thinking. First off Alex Salmond simply asserts that, in a separate Scotlandshire, milk would be affordable and bees would still be able to produce honey. We have yet to be given any details on that whatsoever.

“Second, the only way money can grow on trees is if they are scientifically-engineered. The process is highly complicated.

"How would a tree even know which currency it is supposed to grow? What about protection from paper cuts from falling notes? Will the notes be useless if it rains? Will they produce coins? What happens if Scotlandshire joins the Eurozone – do we just chop down all the Sterlings and plant anew?

“You’re going to have everyone turn into hippies, camping in the woods every day to get rich quick. You’re going to have a bunch of ex-pats in Cyprus crawling back over here, climbing our trees and stealing our cash.

"I’m afraid the Nats have simply lost it.”

Tree surgeon expert Kantze Widfir-Trees told BBC Scotlandshire: “Technically the unionists are right; money doesn’t naturally grow on plants. Leaves grow on trees and paper comes from the trunk, not from the leaves. So, you could say money grows in trees, but not on them.

“I’ll tell you where money does grow though…in the North Sea. Yet you don’t see anyone bickering over that.”

Environmentalists immediately raised concerns that there could be an increase in violent behaviour in green spaces containing Sterling trees, while others welcomed the idea.

Scotlandshire Green Party leader Patrick Harvie said: “Energy, blah blah, sustainable, blah blah, environmentally-friendly, yadda yadda yadda. Separation,” before adding "but the latest polls have us quadrupling our numbers at Holyrood, so up yours!"

A spokesperson for Labour said: “In public the SNP say a separate Scotlandshire would be a magical place full of joy and transparency. In private, however, this dossier makes clear Salmond is conducting highly-classified experiments to make sure money trees exist before he’s found out to be a giant fibber again.

“Worse, the cash being used on this will be coming from the taxpayer, and the English. If the Scotch are going to be using English money they should be transparent about it, use it properly, and be grateful about it.”

Conservative Leader Ruth Davidson said: “I’m highly confused by all this. Wanting to genetically-modify trees so they produce money must mean the Scotlandshire government is running out of it. So how can they afford the experiments in the first place?

“Wouldn’t just stopping the experiments solve the problem? I have no idea what’s going on. I blame Alex Salmond.”

Scotch Law expert Andrew Tickell said: “If these trees are kept away from the general public in sealed-off areas then the money is clearly owned by the government who can grow and spend it as they wish.

“If, however, they are planted in regular parks or wood, there would be a free-for-all. Technically this would be saying that the cash belongs to the people of Scotlandshire. But how do you tell if someone is a resident or a foreigner on holiday, for example?

“You would need to have government officials stationed at each park with these Sterling trees, in order to take details of those who take money and possibly provide a receipt. Citizens would, in that case, most likely just yell ‘Finders keepers, ye bastard!’ and run off with whatever moolah they can stuff down their pants.

“I’m not quite sure why you’ve asked me about this – this isn’t really happening, is it?”

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Commons Scottish Affairs Committee for The Right Embarrassing Eejits Handing Unionist Gods Greater Examples for Rejecting Separatism, said: "You'd need to be a right sap to believe dictator Eck will share any of his ill begotten growth with the people of Scotlandshire."

John Swinney, Finance Secretary for the separatist Scotlandshire Council, pointed out that they were simply ensuring that there would be minimal difference between pre- and post-separation.

"Alastair Darling is being more than a little hypocritical," he said. "It was Darling that planted the money tree Quantitavia Easingus in the Rose Garden of No 10, when the volatility of the revenue from the financial sector showed that you couldn't run the economy of an independent country on it.

"Cameron inherited that tree, and it would still be producing money buds if Nick Clegg hadn't kept nipping out to the Rose Garden for a smoke, and pissing on the tree while he did so."

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