By Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

The McKay Commission, set up by Westminster to address the problem of England being dominated by MPs from other parts of the UK, and to create protection for "English identity" from attacks by Celtic raiders has published its report.

15 years after the successful Scottish referendum on "a wee bit towards seperatism", MPs in England have now got the evidence they needed that they are totally marginalised by only having 83% of the MPs who attend Westminster - no matter how occasionally.

The Commission was set up by the House of Commons to investigate how this travesty of democracy could be ended, while still maintaining London control of UK resources such as oil and whisky that accidentally fell within the devolved administrations.

Research conducted by the Commission determined that  there have been only 26 months in the last 94 years when the party or coalition forming the UK Government didn't also have a majority in England.

Despite that, the English feel deeply victimised that MPs from elsewhere can vote, to no effect, on English issues, while their MPs can no longer wholly determine what happens in the home colonies.

Clinical psychologist Kidnae Geeadam said that the condition was a "Stockholm syndrome in reverse. In the classical condition, the captive feels reliant on the captor for basic necessities such as drink, food, and warmth. In this case, however, it's the captor who is dependent on the captive for such things, and this sets up an internal conflict characterised by symptoms such as denial, bluster, retreat to the past, and living in an imaginary world where everyone defers to them as being omnipotent.

"In all previous historical examples of such collective national fantasy, it is only finally and cruelly ended by a transition to a mind meld consciouness of 'Oh shit! We're buggered' and collapsing into a shivering heap."

Forbidden to suggest the obvious solution - that the English have nothing to fear from just being who they are, taking control of their own destiny and living within their means, unsurprisingly the Commission found no solution to the problem.

They came to the obvious conclusion that none of the commonly peddled and ill-considered solutions presented by the English prisoners of the system was of any value.

Abolishing devolution would lead to immediate secession because in the devolved bits of the UK, Westminster were considered (correctly) to be "a bunch of useless wankers".

Maintaining the status quo had not a "snowball's chance in hell" - other than in the deranged mind of the likes of Alastair Darling.

Strengthening local government in England, or a Federal England would reduce even further whitehall's contol over "those Northern bastards"

Electoral reform, such as PR or reducing the number of nin-English MPs would damage the employment prospects of sitting MPs.

A Federal UK with an English parliament would be unbalanced and almost certainly unworkable and only a few Lib Dems outside England even bothered to suggest such a stupid idea.

In the best traditions of the UK, the Commission, therefore, proposed some cosmetic changes which would make no difference whatsoever.

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee For Ensuring All Reactionary Tories Implement Expropriation of Scots said, "Maks nae difference tae me if the English MPs wint tae meet in thur ain Grand Committee, an spik among theirsels. Scots did that fur years, an it made nae bluidy difference tae us! As lang as ah get mah expenses, wha cares whit they dae."

Related Articles

Guardian : The one-state solution to England's role in a devolved UK

Report of the Commission on the Consequences of Devolution for the House of Commons

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