By Ken A Joak, our Satire Correspondent

Separatists who try to use “satire” to boost their doomed attempt to dismember the UK were reported to be dismembering themselves at their inability to satirise the pro-Union campaign.

Before ritually disembowelling himself with a rusty pen, National Collective’s Greg Moodie said, “I simply can’t compete with the Unionists. To have former British Army Major Eric Joyce arrested for assault for a second time in a House of Commons bar was a clever stratagem in itself, to show the fighting qualities of the British Army.

“To do it on the same day that Philip Hammond came to Scotland to announce that the Scottish Defence Force would be unable to recruit such worthy military men who want a clear career path to the House of Commons, was frankly brilliant.”

Separatist cartoonist “NAS” quickly sketched his life’s journey from Unionism to Separatism and back again, before inserting paint brushes into his nostrils, underpants on his head, and demanding that Health Secretary Alex Neill take him into protective custody in an appropriate NHS Scotland facility.

Police were called to the Sports and Social Club bar at Westminster, where MPs were having a poliitaoke.

Originally created as a "trans-political and post-partisan" exercise in "participatory democracy", politaoke has been redesigned as "politicians getting rat-arsed on cheap booze with no minimum pricing".

Sadly, some regulars were forced to miss the event. Chris Huhne couldn't be there to do his much loved version of "Baby You Can Drive My Car" - (Mel C), Ian Duncan Smith ("Killing in the name of!" - Rage Against The Machine - ATOS remix), Nick Clegg ("Worthless" - Dildo), Damien Green ("Do You Want to Know A Secret" - The Beatles), nor Shaun Woodward ("Money, Money, Money" - ABBA).

Unexpectedly, Lord Rennard withdrew at the last moment from performing Samantha Fox's "Touch Me [if you want to be a Lib Dem candidate]".

With only a few annoying interruptions due to having to stagger through the Lobby to vote on something or other, the evening was going well with contributions from Alastair Darling ("London Calling" - The Clash), George Osborne ("No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Alice Cooper), Michael Moore ("Zombie" - The Cranberries), Philip Hammond ("You're [Not] In The Army Now - Andrews Sisters), Anas Sarwar ("Daddy's Money" - Ricochet), Mags Curran ("Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead" - The Munchkins), Cathie Jamieson ("Big Time" - Peter Gabriel) and David Mundell's classic ("Don't Laugh At Me" - Norman Wisdom).

According to the few sober observers of the incident, Joyce became incensed when Pete Wishart, SNP MP, pointed to Joyce as he was performing to a track by the Clash “I fought the Law” and sang -

“Breakin' rocks in the hot sun 
I fought the law and the law won (twice) 
I needed money 'cause I had none 
I fought the law and the law won (twice)”

“Ah’ll gie ye fu**in ‘twice’, ya separatist bastirt”, Joyce is reported to have spewed, after a moderate ingestion of a bottle or three of Falkirk’s own Rosebank Distillery product, its triple still malt whisky being particularly prized by connoisseurs but only affordable by MPs with their subsidised bar prices.

Mass slaughter was fortunately avoided as Angus Robertson MP, SNP Defence spokesman, applied the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to Joyce, thus rendering him unconscious.

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Committee for Maligning All Dreary Optimists & Negating Nationalist Ambition,  however, denied that Robertson’s intervention had any effect. “Ma pal Joycie wis near oot o his skull a’ready. Thae Natz aye try tae say they’re as guid as ony o us at mindless gubbin – nae fu**in chance!”

It is unclear, however, whether Davidson was best placed to see what happened as he was in the toilets changing into his Madonna costume, in preparation for his turn singing to “True Blue”.

John Prescott, disappointed at not being allowed to throw a punch himself, was warned by police not to do his cover of "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba.

Due to being required as witnesses, the Massed Choir of London MPs had to cancel their traditional rendering of Fred Astaire's ode to Scottish Oil - "They Can't Take That Away from Me".

Other MPs were reportedly furious when they heard that Speaker John Bercow had instructed that there were to be "fewer top-ups for MPs" after the incident. However, most were relieved to discover that the new ruling only applied to wine glasses at receptions, and not to their expenses claims.

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