Jesus weighs into the debate

By Ahmab E LeverOur Religious Affairs Correspondent

end is nigh

Son of God, Saviour of mankind and Judean separatist Jesus Christ was yesterday reported to be “in two minds” about his long hoped for comeback. Labour MSP Mary Fee, who is believed to have a leaked document from heaven, claimed it was “offensive...to claim the Messiah would not have to postpone his second coming if Scotland separates from the rest of the UK.”

The long haired hippy, best known for his support of separatism for Judea from Rome, did not deny that the leaked document exists, or that he might postpone his plans to return to earth.

However a spokes-angel for the deity's son did point out that the post-it notes plastering the document were clearly fake. “If you look at revelations”, he said, “you'll find the message regarding all second comings and the like are carried by means such as lambs, trumpets, great thundering opening of seals and angels. Post-it notes do not feature anywhere, and never will in passing the word of God and heaven”.

Speaking to BBC Scotlandshire earlier, Jesus said “Well, yeah, fact is, earth's a bit shit and we'd been toying with the idea of a second coming, shake things up a bit, you know? Smite a few unbelievers, wash away some sinners, begin another war with Satan and the forces of darkness, before ending the world just before teatime. We need to detract from all the bad news in the church apart from anything else.

 armageddon postitBut the whole independence for Scotlandshire thing has awoken my interest. I'm as fascinated as anyone to know how a new passport system will be set up, what currency Scotlandshire will use and how such miracles as setting up a new DVLA might work.

So yeah, if there is a YES vote, I might postpone judgement day a little, just for the hell of it.

To be frank,” he added, “I'm surprised this has been seized on by Better Together as a reason to vote no, given it portends the end of the world and the ultimate in doom for most folk. But then I never did quite understand my Dad's creations”.

But Satan, Lord of Darkness and ruler of hell lambasted Jesus. “He's running scared,” the fallen angel said, “We here in hell are ready for the final battle, the scorched earth end of the world when we go head to head with that dictator up there in heaven.Not many people know that God kicked us out of heaven for daring to challenge his fundamentalist rule. We were cast out onto a burning lake in chains!

elect-satan

For epochs we have been waiting for revenge. Or at least for Amnesty International to take up our case. Now it appears a handful of wasters in Scotlandshire hold the key to whether or not we will have our Armageddon! Vote no, I say to all of you. Bring it on! Don't allow a Yes vote to postpone indefinitely the final battle between good and evil which will bring about end times.”.

The arch-fiend also hit out at media bias, especially the BBC, claiming it only ever showed the Christian side of things. “It has hours dedicated to tedious religious programming, Thought for the Day and all that crap, and never once do I get asked to put my side! There is a campaign going on to demonise hell. And that Isabel Fraser on Newsnat is the worst.”

Alistair Darling, head of UKOK said, “we really do not want a return of this separatist menace. When he was here before, not only did he agitate for an end to Roman rule in Judea, but he also disrupted traders and bankers conducting their lawful business in temples. Our friends and sponsors in Wonga would be particularly unhappy at his return. And if the BBC are showing bias towards him, then we will come down very hard on that and make sure they are on message entirely with the UK establishment.

Separatist MSP Humza Yousaf insisted a Yes vote would not postpone the second coming, admitting a No vote would indeed bring about the end of times – something the Scottish government and SNP have not been honest about before.

The ghost of Wullie Rennie, who is still in purgatory, was heard to wail, “I just dinnae understand whit's going on any more. Are we saying a NO vote will bring about Armageddon? I thought that was a YES vote. I'm no sure I'm up to this job any more, if I ever was.”

The Stone Roses were unavailable for comment.

 

In other totally unrelated media news:

Satan announced as new addition to BBC Question Time line up

Satan to be contestant in Celebrity Dancing on Ice


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