Tony Blair abuses history - History retaliates

By Lickspittle Gallagher (BA Cantab - failed), Our History Correspondent

history handAddressing the National Association of Pension Funds conference in Edinburgh, the saviour of Iraq Tony Blair, feeling the hand of history upon his shoulder, proclaimed that Scotland's political union with the rest of the UK "goes with the grain of history".

He warned about Scotland "retreating into something smaller" and suggesting that the problems of the country "are someone else".

SNP attack dog, Kenny Gibson expressed astonishment that he actually agreed with Blair on those latter comments.

"Bloody hell!", he expostulated, "That's what we've been saying for years. Scotland wants to be part of something bigger. The EU is bigger than the UK. The UN is bigger than the UK. Retreating into something smaller like the UK is the last thing we need. If Scots vote No in 2014, it's the last thing they'll ever do.

"As to the problems being 'someone else', that's risible. The problem lies in those of our ain folk who are scared to take responsibility for their own affairs, or whose financial affairs rely on Westminster expenses."

clioBBC Scotlandshire, of course, ignores any comments from separatist politicians, so we are proud to have an exclusive interview with Clio, the muse of history. Reduced to poverty by the collapse of the Greek economy, Clio has immigrated to Scotlandshire because history is being so badly abused here, and "because of the linguistic similarity".

When asked what linguistic similarity existed between Ancient Greece and Modern Scotlandshire, Clio said, "Are ye dighted, loon? We baith spik Doric. 'Ats fye ah flitted tae Auchterturra." Fortunately, she agreed to communicate in Scots English so that the interview could proceed.

She was very unhappy about Blair's taking of her name in vain. "I've been abused by men for thousands of years", she said, "and International Women's Day seemed a good time to start dealing with some of the worst offenders. Not last Friday, of course, but in 1911 when I first set up IWD."

"You'll know the ancient Greek motto 'those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad'? Well, if you look at Blair, you'll see how true that is.

"Blair was always a bit of a megalomaniac, but when he started misquoting me, I turned him totally doolally.

"Only a complete fool would talk about 'the grain of history', when history much prefers a good malt, and it's total bollocks to talk of the UK as 'the single biggest commercial market' when it's the EU that is the single market. It was true in the days of the British Empire but that, as they say, is history - 18th century history. I've moved on since then, and I'm fed up of men pinching bits out of my backside."

"There lots of good men, of course, who recognise that dependency on others is a really crap idea, and independence is the way to go. Did you know that I am also known as the 'Proclaimer'? Those wonderful young men from Auchtermuchty are my sons, and took my name. Like all Mums, I was so proud when 'Letter from America' became such a hit."

Craig and Charlie said they were delighted that their Mum had come back to Scotlandshire. "When we sang 'Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles, to fall down at your door', we were actually singing about those bloody trips to Mt Olympus to see Mum - not a lot of people know that."

Professor Tom Devine said that he was delighted to have been appointed as Clio's official spokesman in Scotlandshire. "Ever since she came back, I've hardly been off the tele", he said, "Bloody marvellous!"

MacChuckemup Disposal (Dustbin of History) Ltd announced that they were delighted to have been given their biggest ever contract for the removal of undesirable excrescences from Clio's lodgings. "It's a huge job, because we have to gather not only the corpse of the sinner, but every word they have used that offends Clio. It'll take ages to clear up the mess that Blair has created, so in the meantime we're dealing with the small fry."

From the depths of their cavernous dustbin, echoed a mournful cry - "Bit whit can ye dae? Eh?"

Flash News

There are new fears that Clio will take revenge on Better Together campaigners, who have taken to denying that time itself exists, or even that it is running backwards. "Without time", said Professor Devine, "there can be no History at all, and Clio is bealing."

Richard Baker, and others of that ilk, by claiming that 2012 figures didn't come into existence until plastered with Post-It notes now plan to release the Declaration of Arbroath with Post-It annotations to show that it is a recent fiction concocted by the separatist Government.


Related Articles

BBC in Scotland shire : Scottish independence: Union goes with grain of history, says Tony Blair

Telegraph : Tony Blair brands Scottish devolution a 'dangerous game'

Wikipedia : Clio

Wikipedia : The Proclaimers

 


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