From Max McCaird our financial correspondent

Brave Scotlandshire Labour leader Johann Lamont's brave speech this week has confounded the nay-sayers.

The brave Ms Lamont's recent brave realignment of the brave Labour party with the Tories was denounced by doom-mongers who claimed it would drive ordinary decent Scotlandshire folk into the hairy arms of unwashed separatists.

But a report bravely released today by Labour's brave policy department for Desperately Spinning & Backpedalling shows that public response to the brave speech has created a massive boost to the economy of Scotlandshire parish.

A spokespolicywonk said: "We spent days trying to get former Labour donors to answer our calls, and we finally found a couple of businesses willing to say something we could put a positive spin on, after we promised to have a wee look at their planning applications.

"By the way. Here's a copy of my CV, just in case a vacancy comes up. I've got to get out of here. For God's sake please help me."

The new report shows that demand has increased across a number of sectors of the economy, and at some point in the distant future could even possibly lead to a job offer to someone who wasn't related to a councillor.

The report stresses that no firm commitment on the number of jobs to be created can be given until after the independence referendum, but hints that if Scotlandshire rejects the fantasy politics of saliva drooling separatism, it could be as many as 2 part time positions paying the minimum wage. Although that might be abolished as it's suspiciously universal.

A spokeswelder for construction equipment rental company Joist A Wee Minute praised brave Ms Lamont's brave speech, and said:

"We've been rushed off our feet since Wednesday, and have received hundreds of orders for RSJs and scaffolding to prop up the mandibles of Labour supporters and voters whose jaws dropped to the floor when they heard Johann's speech."

"We've not seen anything like this since we got a major contract to build a peace wall in Glasgow City Chambers to stop feuding Labour cooncillors glassing one another."

A spokesleech for medical supplies company Expensive Remedies for Embarrassing Ailments said:

"We're struggling to keep up with bulk orders of adult incontinence pads from rabid separatists all across Scotlandshire. Many have now lost all bladder control after 5 days of pishing themselves laughing.

"And even better for us, if Johann gets her way they won't be able to get them on prescription and will have to pay full whack. It's a win-win, at least for Labour and the private sector."

Mad Dog Shug McHeroin, respected community leader and director of "giroday loan" financial services company Childallowancebook-or-a-Chibbing, joined in the chorus praising the brave Johann's brave speech, and said:

"This is a fantastic opportunity for us. With more poor people, less questions asked, and fewer polis, we'll be able to expand our business. You won't be able to keep me away from Labour fundraising events, is all I'm saying."

However perhaps the greatest testament to the immense wisdom of the brave Ms Lamont comes from renewable energy sector. According to an industry spokeswindmill:

"Ms Lamont has opened up a whole new sector for the renewable energy industry. We've started a test project to link the birling corpse of John Wheatley to a generator. Initial results are extremely promising, this one trial alone is producing 18 KiloDavidsons of hot air, the revenues from which will be enough to supply the energy and brown envelope needs of 3 Glasgow Cooncil ALEOs.

"We've now applied for a licence from the UK Government to dig up Cumnock cemetery and install Keir Hardie in a wind turbine. The UK Government is surprisingly supportive, because Tories with double-barrelled surnames think the view is already spoiled, on account of it having Cumnock in it."

Clutching on any straw to claim Johann Lamont's brave speech hadn't been a trainwreck of Tay Bridge proportions, former Cumnock MP and Chairwasteofspace of the Lords Committee for Asking the Same Shtupit Questions Repeatedly, Lord Foulkesakenohimagain, said:

"It's fantastic news for Scotlandshire and Cumnock, and unlike those deluded separatists, we're not even doing it deliberately."

Lord Foulkesitrightup added:

"I can exclusively reveal that the UK Government considers this to be a resource of such importance that it's annexing Cumnock graveyaird to an Ex Regio tax authority, so it won't count as Scottish revenues.

"I was so thrilled that there and then I invited my taxi driver to have a wee drink and dance with me, and did a pas de deux with a passing polis who very kindly led me to a cell where I could have a wee lie down to recover."

Ian Davidson MP, chairballoon of Westminster's cross-party Committee for Basebat Bats Doon a Daurk Alley, said:

"I always knew that Johann wid dae whit she wis telt, efter the Westminster Labour Party promised thae Holyrood nonentities that we'd gie them a doin. It nearly didnae work at furst. We telt them we'd bring the boays roon and gie them a seein to, but then they funn oot we meant Wullie Bain and wee Dougie Alexander and they jist laughed. They're no laughin noo but."

Interim Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was bravely unavailable for comment.

Related Articles

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.