From Dee Vine our Fashion Correspondent

As the transitional team for Gerald Ford gathered around a kitchen table to plan his transition to President, replacing disgraced President Nixon in the aftermath of Watergate, one of them commented “One day, this kitchen table will have a place in the Smithsonian Museum”.

In a remarkable coincidence, as the team of patriots brought together to ensure the downfall of disgraced President Salmond in the aftermath of Biscuitgate gathered round Alastair Darling’s kitchen table (pictured)

The group included No 10 director of political strategy, Andrew Cooper and former Scottish Conservative leader David McLetchie, along with Shadow Foreign Secretary Douglas Alexander and Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy, with the Liberal Democrats represented by Euan Roddin, *the special adviser to Scottish Secretary Michael Moore).

McLetchie (dressed tastefully in a blue housecoat and matching curlers) informed Mrs Darling that “one day, your shockingly expensive kitchen table will have its rightful place in the British Museum. After all”, he merrily quipped, “it really does belong to the nation. The Mother of all Parliaments has bought it many times over, as Alastair has flipped and furnished each of his houses.”

This revelation, however, puts into perspective Darling’s comment that the leaders of the Yes and No campaigns are “confined to making the seating arrangements at events.” Given the size of his table, it must have been difficult to make those arrangements, and required the skills of someone experienced in making Britain seem bigger and much more important than it actually was.

Erstwhile Chancellor Darling, after addressing delegates at the annual dinner of the extreme right-wing group, British Association of Westminster-Based Aristocrats with Government Sinecures (BAW-BAGS), said: “My kitchen table consists of two wings and a removable centre section – but the pieces work far better when together than apart. That is why I believe Britain too is Better Together. It makes perfect sense.”

Ian Davidson MP, Chairman of the Westminster Select Committee on Scotttish Affairs with responsibility for Determining Overall Investment – Nothing , responded “Ah wus personally invited tae Darlin's wee meetin an aw, but ah was already booked intae a Seminar oan 'brutality towards women' – mind you, ah picked up a few handy tips there, right enough!”

In an off the record conversation, a Lamont aide suggested that she was wholly opposed to placing the Darling table in the British Museum as that would result in universal access to the historic piece of furniture, a level of service which the union can no longer afford.

It seems the Labour Leader preferred the table to be housed in her own kitchen, where it could be enjoyed by her friends and colleagues and not squandered on the undeserving plebs.

“Johann really, really wants a table like the Darling’s, and the only way to get one is to grease up to Milliband, then follow her pal Mags Curran to Westminster, where the expenses are so much better than in the wee pretendy Scottish parly”.

Johann Lamont herself was unavailable for comment.

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