"Nick Clegg, he's doing it my way" croons Lord Wallace

by our financial correspondent Max McCaird

wallaceFormer Deputy First Minister Lord Wallace of Tankerdisaster (85), chairman of Westminster’s all-party-except-the-SNP Committee for Referendums Are Only Legal If We Say So, has hailed party leader Nick Clegg as a perfect example of how Scotlandshire influence reaches deep into the heart of the British political system.

Lord Tankerspillage said Mr Clegg's U-turn on student fees and his chart-topping I'm Sorry song give a lie to the ridiculous separatist claim that the province of Scotlandshire has no say in UK government.

"Nick Clegg got all his ideas from me you know," said a proud Lord Tankyouangoodnight.

"In 1999 during the first Holyrood elections as leader of the Scotlandshire branch of the Lib Dems, I promised not to introduce student fees. But then when we formed a coalition with Labour - which was totally unforeseen despite the stitch up of the electoral system Menzies and Donald had worked out beforehand - we were forced by the prospect of ministerial motors to renege on our pledge."

He added:

"I mean, if you had to choose between some spotty student or a new car with a generous petrol allowance and its very own designated driver, it's a no-brainer, innit."

The veteran politician, who can still remember when ugly separatists were properly house-trained and muzzled, even pioneered Lib Dem forays into excruciating musical interludes which the party later said weren't even a bit embarrassing.

Some years ago, Lord Tanktupongin was secretly recorded singing at a Holyrood Lib Dem Labour knees-up to celebrate the fact they could get rat-arsed without having to worry about driving home.

However in those pre-internet download days, the song was only distributed to senior BBC Scotlandshire executives, who quite properly hid news of it away where no one would read it, in the final paragraph of a lengthy article extolling the galactic intellect of Wendy Alexander and her views on caterpillar eating disorders.

Lord Tanktopnminiskirt laughs off the incident now, but was less sure about Mr Clegg's choice of musical material.

"Scotlandshire's Liberal Democrats won't be apologising for anything, not even Danny Alexander. I'm confident that voters will realise that in all our periods in office we've done eff all, and now with Wullie Rennie in charge, we've become utterly irrelevant. So we've got nothing to apologise for.

"But as I reach the end of a long and largely wasted career, it's very heartening to look at Nick Clegg landing students with a mountain of debt. I have left a legacy for future generations after all," said his gracious Lord Tankerstrikesrocks, as he wiped away a tear from his eye with the corner of his ermine robe.

He smiled: "That'll show that wee student bastert from the audience on the debate show before the election that called me a useless has-been, no tae mention that wee student lassie that gave me an awfy hard time about telling porkies."

Davidson4Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchib of Westminster's Committee for Reports We Make Up to Suit Ourselves, praised Lord Tankardoverflowing's immense contribution to UK political life. Asked what he thought about recent appearances by politicians on YouTube, Mr Davidson said:

"Who’re you callin a choob, ya bass. A'm a f****n MP - YOU'RE the choob! A'm gaunie melt ye. Sumdie haud him doon."

Lord Tankinwithevoters's single "Stop yer whingein Jock", a reworking of the Fran and Anna classic, was released as a wax cylinder on the Lib Dem Fantasyland label. Featuring the Ming-ettes (Wullie "Mair Room at the Back" Rennie, Tavish "Noggin the Nogg" Scott, and Menzies "The Minger" Campbell) on backing vocals, the single is available in all good charity shops, prominently displayed at the back under copies of a 1985 Blue Peter annual with several pages missing and pairs of trousers with suspicious stains.

The single made the playlist for BBC Scotlandshire's Orkney Radio hit show "You're Not Leaving With Jockland", when the presenter turned up for work pished one night and his MI5 handler popped out for a fag break. The song was a great hit with the show's listener, the sheep on North Ronaldsay was heard to baa appreciatively.

"Brave" Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.


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