By Makem Supher, Our Replacement Social Incompetent Correspondent

Former correspondent Quentin Letsno has been extinguished by BBC Scotlandshire for failing to cover a major speech by Ruth Davidson.

In reality, Davidson was rebranding her wee branch of Scottish Toryism in a different way to Sarwar's branch of Scottish Toryism.

In a dramatic reversal of policy she demanded that Westminster, in some unspecified way, should fund housing for socially incompetent middle class Scots, like her, who can't be arsed to save for a deposit. "We wasters deserve to be bailed out", she claimed.

Although mortgages that required little or no deposit were blamed for helping cause the financial crisis, she argued they should be reintroduced for people who can afford the monthly repayments because they have the salary due to being a party leader in Holyrood.

“That's why I'm calling on the UK Treasury to do more with the Bank of England to come up with a way to bring back affordable, 95 per cent mortgages," she said, "I'm still renting as I can't afford to buy a home, when banks, like RBS that my partner works for, are demanding deposits of up to 30 per cent."

Davidson had previously said about her new flat in Glasgow's affluent West End, "I’d love to be able to afford it, but we’re a long way from that; we’re saving for a deposit, but it turns out we’re not any good at saving”. Her new policy is clearly designed to gather support from similar types of people who have no inherited wealth, and spend most of their large salaries in the wine bars and restaurants in areas like Byres Road.

"Spending our cash on hedonistic pleasures boosts the economy and provides lots of minimum wage jobs", said Davidson, "so we are entitled to be bailed out by the taxpayer. That's 'trickle down', which is so noticeable on the way back from the pub."

In a further appeal to those who had put any sense of working class origins behind them, Davidson emphasised that she had a "state school background", which she was delighted to have left behind and had undertaken a series of menial jobs before joining the BBC as a middle class menial.

As the transmission was being received in London, Osborne looked at Cameron and asked, "What on earth are we doing allowing oiks into the party in Scotlandshire? Do we not have any real Tories up there?" Cameron pointed out that the Scots, being Celts, used the term in the original Gaelic form meaning "pursued men". "I think its similar to their national sport of haggis hunting". he said, "they'll shag anything that moves. We did try to educate a fast-tracked stream of potential 'proper' Tories from those with suitable backgrounds, but all it produced was Gordon Brown."

In an additional statement on funding, Davidson said "In the same week that Co-op Funeralcare has transferred cash from the Labour Tories to the Scottish Women's Curling Championship, Death himself has pointed to us for rapid action."

Davidson also called for greater provision for disadvantaged children. "This separatist Government is failing to liaise with Westminster policies. As their mothers are stacking shelves, these children need proper education. Every two year old needs to be given a place in a privately provided nursery, with shelves of an appropriate height for them. Stacking education needs to start as early as possible."

In an interesting, though rather strange strategic move, Davidson then provoked a vicious cat fight among Scotlandshire Unionists, saying that she was not part of the "tweed jacket and bad teeth brigade”.

Former Tory leader, Annabel Goldie, was tight-lipped at this barb at her leadership was delivered. "See if you can get as many MSPs elected as I did, when almost everybody in Scotland thought we were toxic, you wee bitch", she is thought to have said - though quality lip-reading relies on good dentition.

Michelle Moan was apoplectic about the attack on her new line of Ultimo Harris Tweed bras. "They are silk lined and reversible to cater for the needs of Tory men who like to get a 'bit of rough' in their explorations, but when reversed, allow Tory women who 'like a bit of rough' to self fulfil. If tweed is to be banned in a Tory Scotlandshire, I'll need to move my business down to England, where Tories really understand being rough on useless tits."

Brian Wilson, author of "Real Opus Dei Celtic Supporters Wear Harris Tweed Hairshirts and Knickers, Without Delicate Lace Knickers and Camisole, Like I Do" said, "It's typical of Ruthie's wing of the Tories to try to outdo my wing of the Tories in rubbishing anything from Scotlandshire. She will fail, like all her predecessors. My branch of Toryism will triumph, as we reduce all of Scotlandshire to a wasteland in our war to the death between the two cheeks of Toryism. When all of Scotlandshire is depopulated, save for one voter, that voter will be a Labour Tory, and we will have won!"

As he burst into hysterical tears, his minder led him gently away.

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Fiercely Antagonising Teuchters While Actually Leisurely Lifting Expenses + Titanic Salaries regretted the rift between the two wings of the Tory Party in Scotlandshire. "Yon daft bastirts up there hiv tae unnerstaun we aw dae weel whin wi gie up fechtin in public. Gie us Tory Tory seats an Labour Tory seats that gie us baith joabs fir life as we gouge a' we can fae the punters. 'Ats the gemme wiv aye played, an at needs tae be ra plan fir ra future as weel."

Related Articles

The Tory Telegraph : Scottish Tories lobby David Cameron for return of 95pc mortgages

Scotland on Sunday : Interview: Ruth Davidson, politician

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