By R Slicker, Our Internal Affairs Reporter

Kenny McQuarrel, Director General of BBC Scotlandshire made a major announcement today to a packed media gathering. He told the assembled hacks, "BBC Scotlandshire is appalled by the decision of the Clerks in the House of Commons to ban the word "s*p*r*t* (meaning ripping Scotlandshire from the bosom of the UK and hurling it into outer darkness) from the lexicon of acceptable political usage. At a single stroke, they have wiped out 60-100% of our reports.

"Yielding to the treacherous complaints of the seperatists independistas of the SNP, they have savagely attacked the perfectly reasonable strategy of the loyal Unionist campaign to use pejorative, insulting and misleading language. This is an attack on our attack on democracy.

"We have previously stated our frustration with how London is undermining our campaign. It is increasingly clear that the seizure of control of the U-KOK campaign by Cameron is part of a wider strategy by London to eject Scotlandshire from the glories of Imperial Union.

"London must never be allowed to determine our future. We are not some piece of doggie doo-doo scraped off Cameron's shoe, with an expression of distaste. We are an integral part of the Union and an equal partner in it. We were an integral part of the Union until we were extinguished by the Union. 

"It is time for BBC Scotlandshire to rescind its policy of total impartiality in political matters. We have always striven to be fair and balanced in the same way as Fox News in the USA, but now we must take a stand.

"We demand the continuation of Unionism, despite the obvious wish of London to reject us loyal and dependent Brits - just as they did to our compatriots in Rhodesia and other parts of the Empire last century. It is clear that London cannot be trusted with the Union, now that our oil will run out next year, and we are being replaced by the Falklands.

"The only solution is a wholly independent Scotlandshire, which can be internally unionist without any interference from the traitors in London.

"For once we are in total agreement with the spoof channel at the other quay when they say, "we are not in an official referendum campaign and therefore do not have to balance it out between yes and no." Like them, we will also ensure that the debate is wholly unbalanced in the Union's favour during the official campaign as well - whether London likes it or not.

"INDEPENDENCE IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THE UNION FROM LONDON DOMINANCE."

Asked by an insolent reporter from Newsnet Scotland whether this meant that BBC Scotlandshire was now supporting the SNP position, McQuarrel snapped back, "Never! What we are suggesting is simply the removal of London's power to mess Scotlandshire around.

"The Union is a beautiful thing, a metaphysical thing. One might even call it a Social Union. Like the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands, we would be wholly in control of our own destiny, except for those things we thought it useful to share with the rest of these islands, like being part of Team GB for the Olympics.

"We have nothing at all in common with those foul, slime-spreading, muck-raking, bottom dwelling scum in the Yes campaign."

A spokesbra for Playtex said "Separation was never quite the right word for us to describe our product's characteristic anyway. We are more than happy to replace that offensive term with 'independently handled'."

Simultaneously, Michelle Moan announced (yet again) that, "I'll quit Scotlandshire if our bras can no longer lift and separate!".

Johann Lamont, was roused from her slumbers sufficiently long to see the draft of this article, but could only whisper, "Ponsonby's almost as pretty as me," before dozing off again.

Iain McKenzie, anti-gay marriage MP for Greenock, tweeted that he was off in a huff because the House of Commons was now "wholly controlled by the 6 SNP MSPs. I thought the state of the Post Office in Scotlandshire was worth considering - but only if I could use the debate to rubbish what I must now call 'independence'. F**k the Post Office staff, they were never important."

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Select Committee on Scotland Extinguished by Parliamentary Acts Rendering Alba's Territory English was left speechless, as his only word had been banned.

Related Articles

Scotsman : Westminster bans word ‘separate’ after SNP complaints

Newsnet Scotland : We don’t have to be balanced in Referendum Debate says BBC

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