By Withered Vine, Our London Fashion and Espionage Correspondent

A major BBC Scotlandshire investigation has discovered the truth behind the stories about covert "sleeper cells" operating in Scotlandshire that have been circulating in the media.

Contrary to existing rumours, we can expose the truth that both sides of the independence campaign have been establishing covert operations within the opposition camps since the 1970s. Specialist Unionist and Independista recruiters within the academic staff at Scottish Universities have been assiduously training students to enter the opposing political parties and work themselves to key positions, from which to destroy their host.

Karla was not just an invention of John le Carré. There have been multiple sinister figures operating within our universities for at least 40 years, in preparation for the current decision looming up for Scotlandshire. Consequently, it is remarkably difficult to identify which person on either campaign is working for the other side.

Exclusively, I have access to the one source that has definitive information on this murky underworld - the Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation via their London representative, Ivan Offybigwanski (known to us girls as Bunny Wabbit). In a dangerous mission, I engaged with Ivan and, as to confidentiality, offered my honour. He honoured my offer and all night long it was (well, you all know how that goes).

In between times, Bunny revealed the extent of the problem. "The wheels came off our recruiting operation in Scottish Universities in the 1970s", he noted. "Up until then, we were the only spy recruiting agency, but suddenly MI5 and their Scottish counterparts were outbidding us all the time. Naturally, we monitored which students were being recruited at which universities. I have those records, and I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. The really difficult bit is deciding which sleepers have 'gone native' and are actually working positively for their adopted side. Handling double agents is always hard. Talking of which ..."

After dealing with the issue at hand, Bunny fed me juicy tidbits. "Most people reckon that Alastair Darling and Michael Moore are key agents for the independistas", he said, "because of the way they are destroying the No campaign from within. But it's not true. In fact, they were deliberately infected by the 'negativity virus' that we developed and sold to John Swinney. Victims think minuses are pluses - which explains a lot.

"The sleeper agents within the British establishment work much more subtly. The sleeper team within the UK Treasury that produced the '£1 cost of leaving' was typically high quality disruption, but the work of Professor Alan Crawford was brilliant. Putting 'extinguished' into the legal opinion, then totally contradicting the UK scare story, impressed all the intelligence community. He was recruited at Adelaide University, working on his Scottish ancestry.The Scottish diaspora is a powerful weapon.

"Bloggers like Ian Smart and Alan Cochrane were activated quite recently. It's a clever tactic to feed false information to Westminster and the media so publicly. Their constant flow of 'Salmond is terrified of independence really and doesn't want to hold a referendum at all. He'll do anything to avoid it, honestly. If you deny him devo-max he'll run away and cry in a corner and call it all off' convinced Cameron (I've seen the minutes of the relevant Cabinet meetings).

"Top prize for an agent working in the open has to go to Brian Wilson, though. His portrayal of a crazed Nat-hater is perfectly balanced. His ravings are pitched so that they reinforce what Westminster thinks, so they see him as reasonable, while most Scots see him as a 'totally doolally nutter', to quote my own main agent in Scotlandshire, Ruth Davidson. Wilson took the decision to go underground remarkably early - while he was at school in Dunoon and an SNP member, in fact. He has always accepted that once he achieves his dream of an independent Scotland, he will need to seek political asylum elsewhere. That's real dedication to the cause."

I asked Bunny about the activities of MI5 within Scotlandshire. Didn't they have agents in place?

"They do", he replied, "and you see the odd bit of activity from them - like Mike Russell feeding the wrong FE figures to Salmond, but its pretty feeble stuff.

"Their key problem is that their organisation is thoroughly penetrated. Which reminds me ........"

Afterwards Bunny resumed his tale of penetration. "The main problem they have is that they don't realise that their 'Karla' in Scotland has "gone native". Since he knows every agent they have there, and they still brief him on their strategy, the UK is at a huge disadvantage.

"Alex Salmond was recruited by MI5 at St Andrew's University, and promptly set about destroying the SNP. He nearly succeeded when he created the 79 Group and split the party. Around that time, however, he married Moira and she forced him to turn double agent and actively work for independence while keeping his MI5 contacts in place. He had a wobble in 2000, which is why he resigned as party leader, and returned to Westminster as a triple agent. He's now a quadruple agent, and in from the cold."

Or is he?

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