Ireland in Valentine Day Love Triangle

By Dee Vine, Our Fashion and Romance Correspondent

lucinda creightonIrish Foreign Minister, Lucinda Creighton, is at the centre of a bizarre love triangle it has emerged.

She had sent an email to Nicola Sturgeon indicating Ireland's undying love for Scotland and looking forward to welcoming Scotland as a "partner", and claiming, "it certainly was not my intention to interfere in any way with your domestic debate" about divorce proceedings with England.

However, a hitherto reliable source in tweed and fact manufacturing (we are unable to identify our source further, except to say that he was once an MP) has given us documentary evidence as to her wish to take Scotland's place in England's marital bed.

We are convinced of the veracity of the story, as the secret letter from Creighton to Cameron is written in Wilson's his own handwriting.

My Darling Dave,

After our clandestine meeting the other week, I'm desperate for us to consummate our relationship publicly.

You have so much that I fancy. That huge Trident missile of yours would have any girl panting for it. I'm really keen that we give you lots of money to reverse your armed forces cuts. I do love a man in uniform - especially when he is attacking brown people. Ireland is so hamstrung by its silly policy of just defending itself, and helping out the UN from time to time. So many of our young men died defending Britain's Empire, and I want them to have that chance again.

Your seat on the UN Security Council is so sexy too. Of course, like the Scots, we wouldn't expect to gain anything from it - or even to be consulted. However, I'd be able to bask in your reflected glory and boast "My man did that". If we were married, I wouldn't have to bother defending Ireland's interests in the EU. I could just leave it all to you, my love, and you would protect us as once you did. London's interests are much more important than ours anyway.

I know women are always said to want romance, but it's not true. Really what we all yearn for is the protection of a strong man's arms and 50 Shades of Gray (though not Iain's). I see you on TV, all macho with your empire, your big weapons and talk of stronger together and I go weak at the knees with passion and longing. And to see Scotlandshire hanging on your arm, yet so ungrateful makes me seethe with a jealously so great I want to stick knives in Scotlandshire! She doesn't appreciate you, Dave. Ireland would.

hate it when you say publicly that you and Scotland are better together. We both know that you despise her for being such a feminist and wanting to live her own life. Please, my darling, forget her inheritance and wealth. I can't believe that you are the cynic that others say you are, and want to stay in a loveless marriage just for her oil and whisky revenues. I have whiskey too!

I want to believe that you are taking command (I love it when you do that) of the No campaign, just to antagonise her and make sure that the divorce goes through. Then we can be together always.

I know I left you before. I was young and stupid then and didn't realise how bad independence and loneliness really is. I just yearn for domination and subjugation again...and you have such a massive car too!

Love, Passion, Lust and Longing from your ever faithful,

Hibernia

PS It was fabulous when you gave me that spanking on Sunday! Looking forward to lots more of that! XXXXXX

fingerprintsWhen faced with this overwhelming evidence of Ireland's duplicity, and that Scotlandshire would be left all alone in the world, Nicola Sturgeon was defiant.

"As with many bits of UK propaganda, Brian Wilson's fingerprints are all over it", she said, "Since he hadn't washed his hands, the Police Service of Scotland didn't even need to use fingerprint powder.

"His fingerprints are literally all over it. Quite disgusting."


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