Johann Lamont’s True Blue Outfit Makes a Statement

From our Fashion Correspondent Dee Vine

lamont-fartAn ensemble of a tightly fitting (and very fitting) blue jacket with a floral pattern over a sombre black top adorned Johann Lamont in Edinburgh today. We have seen the same outfit worn in the Chamber of the Scottish Parliament – although then it was worn with a silver chain round her neck.

Appropriately, the chain was missing today, as Ms Lamont forged her own chain of irony with which to strangle the separatists in a coruscating attack on their failure to address the “fundamental issues” of governing Scotland.

Her statement has been described as “brave”, as she challenged the assumptions that led a Scottish Government to introduce “a vision for Scotland, all on the never never,” with unaffordable policies such as bus passes and free personal care for the elderly.

In a passage strongly applauded by maverick Scottish Conservative Murdo Fraser, she advocated means testing as the way forward to limit the waste of public resources on undeserving students, while Labour councils struggled to meet their commitments to their stakeholders and partners.

Why”, she asked “should Mad Dog Shug McHeroin be denied access to the council services he has enjoyed for so many years just to subsidise some kid studying fashion design at Art School?” (Bitch!) [A little too much, surely - Ed]

Universal benefits”, she claimed, were clearly undesirable, as so many people simply wasted the money “putting food on the table”. “After all, obesity is a major problem in Scotland – I should know, and the SNP are just encouraging it by helping families out with their food budgets.”

The Natz want us to be like the Scandinavians and have brilliant services paid for by taxes. I reject that concept as we need to manage within the generous allowance we are graciously gifted from Westminster. As you know, Scots don’t pay any tax and all our money comes from the generosity of those lovely bankers in London.”

But these are hard times, and we can’t expect the London banks to bail us out for ever. Scots need to be content with sea kale, porridge and any food parcels we get from south of the border – although these should not be a universal benefit. As a higher earner, I am willing to sacrifice my share of the kale to allow those in greater need to have more of the green stuff.

"Over the next two years, our austerity cuts review will look for other universal benefits to modernise: these will include child benefit, state pensions and the NHS”.

British Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg commented, “That bitch stole my f***ing speech. How did she get hold of it?”

Ian Davidson MP, Chair of the Select Committee for the Protection of England from Nationalistic Indolent Scots, told my male colleague “Aye, jist as well they sent a guy tae ask me. Ony wummin fae the BBC wid a goat a real doin.”

Ian's niece Ruth Davidson, Head Girl of the North British Conservative, Royalist and Unionist party, welcomed the statement by Johann Lamont and said: “For years, far too much public spending in Scotland has been directed towards the 'poor' and 'needy' in our society, and this has simply encouraged them to be lazy."

Davidson continued, "That is the very reason why we helped our colleagues in the North British Labour, Royalist and Unionist party to redirect spending towards huge PFI repayments, making sure our tax money went right to those who deserve it, and who had avoided paying it in the first place,” adding, “Mmm, check out the tits on that”.

Johann Lamont was interviewed later on Newsnat Scotland, but made no comment on her earlier comments.


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