By Munnies Ranoot, Our Economics Correspondent

The Scottish Futures Trust have announced that they have put together a consortium of Scottish interests that would buy England.

The consortium members include Scottish Water, Clyde Blowers, Stagecoach and First Group, together with the Nordic Union, state owned Norwegian Statoil, and Chinese state owned pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang.

SFT chairman, Sir Angus Grosstake explained that the delay in announcing the project was due to a failure of the acronym system. The normal SFT funding model of NPD (Non-Profit Distribution) was considered inappropriate as the profits were likely to be enormous, and would be distributed among the partners. PFI had been considered, but no one could think of a word beginning with "F". Eventually ROSE (Rip Off Supine England) was selected.

"We first begn to consider the possibility of buying England when the Tory/LD government came to power there, and declared its intention to sell off everything they could of England's remaining public services", he said. "There are huge opportunities already, as they sell off their NHS, but now that they are planning to sell off Fire and Rescue, together with state schools, the Police and Armed Services are sure to follow."

English local government minister Brandon Lewis called for new laws that “would enable fire and rescue authorities in England to contract out their full range of services to a suitable provider. These changes will help remove barriers and to increase choices that fire and rescue authorities have to contract out their services. Since Scotlandshire and the Nordic countries have much better service provision than our incompetent governance has been able to provide, they are likely to be the best bet."

Labour last night hit out at the proposal. MP John Healey said: “This is a privatisation too far. We don't mind the French or Spanish owning our services and overcharging us for basics such as water or shit recycling, but giving any money to Scotlandshire should be wholly excluded from this new arrangement."

Danish Prime Minister, Birgitte Nyborg, said, "I discussed the details with Nicola Sturgeon when I visited Edinburgh. For the Nordic Union, this is a chance to re-establish the Nordic Empire of King Cnut in a modern commercial sense.

"This joint Scots-Nordic buy out of England will demonstrate to the English that state control of vital services is much more efficient than American style private control - as long as the state is Scotland, or a Nordic nation. The Scottish Futures Trust will be the legal nominee owner of England, so that it can be kept in trust for the English people. Once they have demonstrated that they are capable of running their own affairs properly, they will be allowed a limited measure of self-government."

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