By Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

Davy McDimbledor, the UK's secret co-ordinator of Planning Integrating Southern Scotland As Residual Territory In Special Transition was reported to "be incandescent" about a serious error by Kenny McQuarrel's BBC Scotlandshire.

Staff at the Atlantic Quay HQ were reportedly "cock-a-hoop" when McDumbledor demanded McQuarrel's "head on a pike, or another bit of you on an aptly named cock-tail stick" at a meeting between them today.

In a regrettable error, technician intern Pairwee Sowl broadcast part of a recording of a PISSARTIST meeting instead of Thursday's edition of Question Time (which McDumbledor also chairs, as cover for his real function).

 

Sowl's body was later found hanging from the Erskine Bridge, wearing ladies underwear and with an orange lodged in his mouth. 

Strathclyde Police said that this was the most bizarre death that they had been told to record as suicide.

In the transmission, Whitehall's Head of Dump the Shit Somewhere Else, Imap Rick, was clearly heard to call for burying all England's nuclear waste in Scotland, before "giving" them independence - a suggestion that received enthusiastic acclamation, before the error was realised and the tapes switched.

Sources indicated that there had been wide ranging debate within the planning group as to the best part of the former Scotlandshire in which to have a dump.

Lady Davinia Cameron argued that, "We can't place the waste in the East, one has ah distinct fancy of visiting the Festival, and one's daughtah is attending St. Andrew's in the hope of meeting ah prince (though all she has found is ah Frog whoh pays noh tuitiohn fees). The West, howevah, is as expendable as Scottish fishing rights."

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee for Slapping Oot Occasional Kilties In Temper, vociferously argued against that proposal since, "Thae Natz hiv turned the punters agin nuke stuff. Ah need tae con ma constituents fir anither year or twa' till I git ma ermine, an kin tell them tae f*** aff."

Michael Moore MP, Secretary Of Bits of Scotlandshire Totally Ours Regardless of Yaks (No we don't understand that last bit either) reminded the committee that a start had already been made on the expansion of the Better Together tunnel network by digging big holes in Caithness -  "though there's no bigger hole than Caithness itself", he jested. "Since the decision has already been made to keep the Norse bits of Scotlandshire within England (as long as they add to our oil resources), that work has been abandoned, and those tunnels would be an admirable place to dump the shit.

You will remember that the original cover story for this activity was the proposal to dump all the toxic waste from the Olympics site there."

Attention then turned to the precise new border to be imposed on rScotlandshire. There was clear agreement that all islands in Scotlandshire would be retained. Brian Wilson pointed out that there was a minor difficulty with what the Scots strangely call 'Eilan nan Siar'. "The new immigration test will require all immigrants to England to speak English", he said, "so all the Gaels (including my wife) will need to be forcibly repatriated to the nearest place where they will be linguistically acceptable - in this case Donegal. That will create space within Greater England to dump those brown people that are rightly objected to."

George Galloway MP suggested that the border be drawn south of Dundee. "It's a real shitehole - from which I emerged."

Jim Murphy MP agreed that his constituency also should be excluded from rScotlandshire, but added that Faslane and Trident needed to be included as well "because we Brits love those nukes - actual troops are really boring compared with these stimulating phallic symbols that I dream about every night. Also, I don't want to risk the lives of the good people in Devonport.

"Just as King Haakon dragged his boats from Loch Long to Loch Lomond to claim the area for the Norse, David Cameron should drag his wee yellow bath duck across the isthmus to do the same for us Brits."

As so often in British policy making, it was Classical education which resolved the issue.

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, and so the de facto UK dictator, said that a return to the reign of Emperor Antoninus was the obvious solution. "I've never moved out of that era, and it never did me any harm.

"The Antonine Wall made a good imperial border in 140 AD, and it should perform the same function now.

"In celebration of re-establishing the imperial hegemony, we can modernise the original audio visual displays of the Romans, who were restricted to stone carvings, and have giant video screens displaying the same theme - 'Caledonians being trampled by Roman cavalry English tanks, or simply crouching in submission, bound and naked' - to demonstrate London's power."

Earlier in the transport agenda item, Cotswolds representative, Dumb Jolly, said, "In a big country, over 400 miles say, something like these high speed trains are really important, but in England, I don't think we need them."

Mayor Johnson pointed out that the distance by road from Dover to Carlisle was at 402 miles, at the mimimum justifiable level for HS2. However the distance from Dover to Falkirk was 508 miles, totally justifying the expenditure to draw even more resources into London.

Updating the committee with plans for Wales, the Mayor, outlined how joint action by Westminster and the Mayor's office would increase London GDP while simultaneously lowering that of Wales.

The conflation of high rents in London and the 'bedroom tax' would force the poor and disabled out of London. "We need to keep some poor people, of course, as there will be an increased need for a servant class to service those who should be living here - the wealthy and priviliged", he grinned boyishly.

"However, by removing the 'human waste' - the poor elderly, and the disabled from London to Wales, space will be created here for 'our kind of people'.

"As for Wales, we will impoverish that province, so that it never again dares rear its head, and threaten rebellion against the might of London. As Edward I did once, we will do again, and again, until we achieve world domination, and all nations on the earth bow the knee to us in supplication and fear!"

The committee then retired for tiffin.

 

Related Articles

Sun : MSP fury over toxic 2012 site

Guardian : Antonine wall fills gaps in story of Roman occupation of Britain

Daily Post : Homeless families set to be moved to Wales

Daily Mail : Houses in London's top 10 most expensive boroughs are worth as much as those in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland COMBINED

 Daily Mail : Blairs paid £1.35m in cash for home number SEVEN: Splashed out on a four-storey Georgian townhouse for son Nicky

---

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.