By Cannae Reid, Our Culture Correspondent

"This could be the penultimate Burns Supper to be held in Scotlandshire, if Salmond gets his evil way in 2014", announced the No campaign leader Alastair Darling.

Proposing the Immortal Memory at the Conservative Slash and Burns Club dinner in Edinburgh, Darling asserted, "We have always made clear that a separate Scotlandshire will not be allowed to use any British institution, or enjoy any cultural material produced by foreigners.

"Tonight I can announce that the White-Hall Institute Nurturing Genetic and Ethnic Repatriation has conclusively determined that Robert Burns was English."

WHINGER Head Phrenologist, Dr Witta Napper exclaimed excitedly, "We were pretty sure from DNA samples that his ancestors were directly descended from a wounded English man-at-arms called William Burn from Westminster, left behind when his companions were forced out of Kincardineshire. His name was given the female suffix "ess" because he was bisexual, a practice unacceptable in medieval times.

"The name was shortened to Burns when the family moved to Ayrshire, where morals simply precluded having sex with sheep.

"However, the bust of Burns created by forensic scientists at Dundee University has allowed phreonological analysis of Burns head by my expert team in London, and the pattern of bumps on his head are undoubtedly English."

Ruth Davidson, nominal leader of Murdo Fraser, happily noted, "Only yesterday, I said that Scots don't trust us because we are seen as 'London's party in Scotlandshire, not Scotlandshire's party in London'.

"I also said that too many see the Conservatives as 'a brake on the aspirations for Scotlandshire and not a torch bearer' though reports of my speech omitted where I said the Scots were wrong on that. I pointed out that the Tory party had always been a torch-bearer, and had used it to torch the Scotlandshire economy whenever it was in London's interests'.

"Now it turns out that Robert Burns was a Londoner in Scotlandshire, so we will now be regarded with the same veneration as Burns is!

"Scots wha hae will rally to our banner. Scots wha hivnae can bugger off."

Shockjock Prof David Starkey sneered, "I'm not at all surprised. Clearly any person with talent must be English - even if they use a strange northern dialect.

"Potatoes were introduced to Europe by the Spanish and Spain has indicated that it won't allow potatoes to be eaten in a separate Scotland.

'Neeps' are actually swedes, and so must only be eaten by Swedes. The modern kilt was invented by a Lancastrian ironmaster for his Scottish employees - so you can't have that either.

"Oh, and Haggis is English too." In future any haggis would have to be made in England (not that anyone would eat it), and Macsween will have to change their name to Sweenson."

Fiona Hyslop, Scottish Cabinet Secretary for Culture and External Affairs, muttered something about "civic nationalism" having nothing to do with "ethnicity". However, I didn't want to understand whatever point she was making, so I stopped taking any notes.

However, I'm sure she also said, "It's a crazy argument that this 'parcel o' rogues' are making. Though I was born in Ayrshire, I was brought up in England. Does that make me English? Mike Russell was born in Kent. Is he English?"

After her extraordinary admission that two members of the Scottish Cabinet are actually English, I asked Alastair Darling to comment on this damaging aspect.

In statesmanlike fashion, he responded, "Clearly Hyslop and Russell should be disqualified from standing as MSPs. This is not a matter of ethnicity, but of equality of race and gender. If Scotlandshire separates off from Britain, I'll lose my job, so Hyslop should obviously lose hers too.

"Despite being born in Hendon and consequently being English, my English colleagues have suggested that there isn't a hope in hell of me getting selected for a seat down here. Racial equality demands that if I'm unemployed, Russell should be too."

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Hating All Independent Rustic Yokels Battling Against Westminster Sovereignty, in a shocking display of issuing an unsolicited response to a story before being asked, said, "Couldnae gie a f***, nae like Rabbie!

"Ah hate aw that Scots crap onywye. Hoo did Burns nae write stuff that us Brits could unnerstaun? It's aw keich."

Related Articles

BBC Scotland : Ruth Davidson: Voters don't trust Tory motives

BBC UK : Haggis is English, historian says

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