Lamont accused of mounting subversive attack on Norway

By Annagid Nuyeer, Our Scandinavian Correspondent

Norwegian Tunnel FireNorwegian government sources have confirmed that the closure of the Brattli Tunnel was not caused simply by burning cheese, but by terrorist activity from a little known group who call themselves SLAB (Scottish Little Anglo-Brits).

Police Chief, Akanna Tellalie, admitted that the original story that the tunnel had been closed by 27 tonnes of the caramelised goat's cheese (known as Brunost) "self-combusting" had always been weak but "we had no idea why the cheese would go on fire in that way".

She continued, "We eat tonnes of Brunost every year, and while it is high in fat and sugar, it doesn't just suddenly burst into flames like Nigel Farage. It looks like Semtex (and is just as tasty) but it requires a trigger to set it off, and we could find no trace of the usual triggers in this incident - only huge quantities of bile.

"Fortunately the Police Service of Scotland had a tip off from a dissident SLABber with the code name 'Malk the Chisel' as to the true circumstances of the incident."

Following a considerable bribe, a source within the Terrorist Division of the Scottish Police Service was prepared to divulge the full detail.

cop

Their source 'Chisel' had given them the following statement, which we produce verbatim.

"I have long been excluded from the decision making in the SLAB bunker beneath Greggs. However, like any subversive group we are riven with internal dissension, self-seeking and crazed ideas, so it's not hard to find someone who'll clype as to what's going on.

"SLAB has long hated Norway because it used its oil resources sensibly instead of pissing them up against the wall as was decided in the far off days when our comrades were in power in Englandshire, and thought it a brilliant way to minimise support for separatist thinking. Fanciful ways of bringing a country down that was proud to be independent was always high on the agenda - which is why ideas of destroying their economy kept coming forward.

"Many suggested attacking their oil rigs - but SLAB folk kept drowning whenever they tried to swim against the tide, so nothing came of that. Attacking their fantastic internal transport system seemed the only possibility. Being based in Edinburgh, we had no idea of how a working tram system, such as Oslo's, worked so a different target had to be found.

"At the same time, SLAB had an internal difficulty with one of its cyberbrit tweeters RShoalUK, a junior in a legal firm, who had become even more doolally than Lally! His tweets criticising the FM for expressing sympathy for the victims of a tragedy, scunnered everybody. It was quite clear that he had to be dispensed with.

"To their credit (and I don't give them much) Lamont and previous SLAB Supreme Beings had long had the perspicacity to see his fundamentally deranged state and had rejected his regular applications to become a SLAB praetorian in what we want the Scottish Parliament to be - an unelected dictatorship controlled by us.

"I don't know who came up with the smart idea of concealing such purified BritNat bile in a lorry load of Brunost (which would conceal the stench) and sending him to self-destruct, by setting that off to such destructive effect, in a Norwegian tunnel. Since the whole military concept was botched, I suspect Jackie Baillie. Only she would have the level of ignorance that would see the Brattli tunnel as a worthwhile target. She thinks Trident is a good thing FFS!"

A Norwegian Government spokesman said "We have no wish to cause difficulties for our friends in Scotland by raising international concerns about Scotland hosting a hostile terrorist organisation. All our evidence suggests that the Scottish Government needs no help from elsewhere to drive SLAB into extinction.

"Our only friendly warning to First Minister Salmond would be to note the dangerous effects of concentrated fat and sugar. Our advice would be purely of a dietary nature. Keep off the Brunost!"


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