By Berther de Gither, our Brussels Correspondent

The Northern Isles could elect to remain in Europe if the UK votes to break up Europe in 2017, says Europe, in a shocking revelation.

Speaking to European press in Strasbourg today, senior European Union officials have described David Cameron's proposals for separation as "childish", "ill-considered" and "unworkable", saying that they do not properly take the wishes of the Scottish Vikings into account.

President José Manuel Barosoap of the European commission said that in the unthinkable event that the UK voted to separate from the most successful union the world has ever seen, the wishes of the people of Orkney and Shetland must be paramount.

If the Northern Isles vote no to the break up of Europe, he said, then the islands will be invited to continue as independent members of Europe, bringing most of the EU's oil and fishing rights with them. "But not the Western isles. They're so..., well you know what I mean," he continued.

"That will teach you, Cameron, you backstabbing Tory cabrão, after all the lying I did for you. Que filho da puta!", he went on at some length – apparently enjoying the sound of his own voice immensely.

Local ScotLibDem MSP Tavish Scott told BBC Scotlandshire that islanders had no intention of leaving Europe just to be ruled by London. He said: "Staying in a separate UK would mean never being able to watch Scandinavian TV any longer, and this would be unacceptable to worshippers of Odin like us.

"We considered petitioning to become part of Norway, but they aren't in the EU so that would have been pointless. And nobody wants to be Finnish. So we needed to decide between becoming Swedish or Danish, and we have chosen the latter.

"I hate that Nick Clegg, I really, really detest that man. He was the idiot who came up with the idea of a referendum in the first place. Sorry, I'm all right now.

"Ahem! Becoming Swedish would have given us Walander, which was tempting, but being Danish gets us both The Killing and Borgen and nobody likes getting 'nil points' in Eurovision, do they? Plus, we can still get The Bridge as it was a joint production.

"Mind you, If Scotland votes to stay in the EU in 2014, we can just stay where we are, eh."

Herman van Rumpy-Pumpy president of the European Union told journalists that Britain was "much too small and poor" to survive outside the EU and that the UK government would be "stupid" to try and do it alone.

"We understand that a win for the Conservatives in 2015 will give them a mandate to hold a referendum on separation, and that this must be made in Britain, but this must be an in/out referendum with no middle option of EFTA membership - or Euro Max as it is better known – as this will simply confuse the rather silly UK voters.

"We also feel the UK government cannot be trusted to choose the referendum question as they are acting as both player and referee. Their suggested question of "Do you agree that England stood alone against the Hun before and must do so again?" is a leading one, and we want an independent body, the European Commission, to make such decisions instead."

Frontispiece of the now defunct ScoLibDem party oor Wullie Rennie said: "It wisnae us who started all this out of Europe stuff, a big Tory boy did it and ran away. But hey, whit can ye dae, eh?"

We spoke to Labour's 'Separashun' Czar, Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Apostates Revering Southern England, Loathing Independence and Confusing Kiechy English Regions with Scotlandshire, who told us:

"We Britz dinnae want separashun fae Europe, we want independence fae thum. Dae youse no unnerstaun the difference, ya bampots?

"Anywize, it wulnae affect ma constituents as we're gonnay form the 'United States ay Europe and Govan', soze tae keep aw they EU shipbuildin contracts wherr they belong, 'cos thu'll no be onay mair ay them in the UK!"

Lost leader of Scottish Labour Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she hadn't decided whether to support the In policy of the Red Tories or the Out policy of the Blues.

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The Separate: Handbagged! David Cameron's promise of EU referendum by 2017 provokes storm of controversy

The Shetland Times: Isles should be allowed to remain in UK if they reject independence – Tory Lord

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